Distant

This is going to be a short one... I'd rather be reading my Harry Potter book than online.  *GASP*

Since my sister text me yesterday telling me that I haven't text her since June 1st I have been wondering WTF I've been doing lately.  I kind of feel like I had my head so far up my ass lately and now I kind of feel like I'm on cloud 9.  I think I need to re-connect with people but when I try to think of something during the day there is nothing that I can do because every one is at work!  I just do nothing all day then.  I've been so bored and distant that I have no clue what is even going on with my family.  That is not acceptable.  And I don't have an explanation.  I really am not sure why I've just kind of been a hermit... It might be summer mode of "no one is around."  I think that because I'm usually at home with very few friends and just my parents to hang out with... I am THAT cool.

Back to reading... 

and figuring out why I've been so distant.

Set Fire to the Rain

So... I'm suuuper bored and thinking that I haven't posted in a very long time.

I have had a lot of time on my hands to sit around and do nothing, so my brain hasn't been working a whole lot lately.  I do some thinking... but mostly I just watch TV.  I still want another job but I have run out of ideas and options to apply.  I applied as a Mold Technician at Phillips Plastics the other day so I am crossing my fingers with that job.  I have some experience with molding so hopefully they will hire me.  I'm kind of sick of this "over qualified" B.S.  I need to pay my bills just like everyone else.  I may have my degree but I am still a student and I need to find a part time job just like all those other students who don't have a degree.  It frustrates me because I see how poor of customer service I can get and think about how this person has a job when I really don't... (I do but not for long and not enough hours).  Ugh.. lame.

I have too much time on my hands.  I spend my days alone sitting on my butt either at work or at home.  There aren't very many people in Menomonie over the summer... at least not many that I really know.  And those who are here have more of a life than I do with a job and friends and stuff.  I need to start working out again.  I'm feeling tubby and lazy.  But instead of working out I sit on my butt more.

There are good things going on in my life too.  Thanks to recent history I don't talk about them often.  I find that it sucks that a stupid person has changed me so much.  I used to be more trusting and now that is ruined.  I second guess things with an edge of mistrust.  I absolutely can't stand the thoughts that go through my head.  It shouldn't be like this.  I used to be comfortable letting the guy I was involved with go to the bar without a second thought.  It kind of shakes my self-confidence, sadly.  Going back and thinking how the last guy could blatantly hit on girls right in front of me gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Now I feel that same feeling when thinking of letting the guy I like out of my sight when drinking.  He hasn't done anything to deserve that mistrust and I tell myself how stupid the thoughts are but they keep streaming through my head.  I just want to trust again... and not get hurt.

That's all for today my friends.  Stay positive! 

Crazier

I am lying in bed finally awake for the first time today.
I was so excited to sleep but now I can't.

I am listening to the songs that made me want to inflict physical pain on the next guy that came into my life.  However, I don't feel like this anymore.  I have come to terms with a few things in the last week:
1.) Being alone is a natural phenomena in my life and I shouldn't hate it so much.

2.) Facing demons tends to (eventually) make things go away.

3.) There are 2 names that can be uttered that still make me physically ill.

4.) I need to let things happen and not over think them...

       a.) This means not trying so hard, which was my downfall last time

       b.) And I can't care what other people are going to think

It is time to take a chill pill... even though having one job working 20 hrs a week was stressing me out it has really helped me calm down.  I've really moved on.  I am sure everyone is sick of listening to my drama... trust me I'm sick of it too.  I have taken what I hope is the last deep breath over the situation and let it go.  I may never know the answer to why I was treated the way I was... however that is in the past and I need to treat it as such (this doesn't mean that I won't knee a certain someone in the junk if given the chance).

My new motto is "Do what makes you happy."  I have been saying this to myself on a daily basis, and don't be surprised if I say it to any of you when you ask for advice.  I had to say it to a friend to come to the realization that I was holding myself back because I was concerned what others would think.  So I'm doing it.  Call me stupid but I'm diving in the deep end and saying: fuck it this is my life, go with the flow, if it doesn't work out the pain will subside.  Life doesn't come with regrets it comes with learning experiences.  If you guard yourself from pain you will also never know true happiness (that sounds profound coming from my head...wow). 

Yeah, there are still ghosts in my closet that I won't share.  Ones that are still being dealt with... it's time for me to give these immature acting individuals the "whatever" shrug and keep doing with my life what I want.  I need to embrace me for who I am.

I am special and awesome.  I really do have a lot to offer if people will get to know me.  Under my exterior is a really laid back cool person.  I may act awkward at times but it's because I want you to like me.  I will never judge you and always provide a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  I can now boast that I am an honors student and a biker babe too.  I'm not full of myself, I have just come to realize that I need to be confident in my own skin and be me.  Only I can change who I am.  Only I can make myself better.

Happiness here I come.

Listening to:
Crazier by Taylor Swift
Good Life by One Republic