My Head is Going to Explode with Thoughts

The days are passing quickly and graduation is getting closer.  I'm in need of a major motivation boost to get a lot of homework done.  I'm not sure I want to be a graduate yet!  I have a feeling things won't really change anyway because I'm staying at Stout to continue my education.  It is a lot to think about though.  The majority of my friends are leaving me here for the summer and quite a few are never coming back.  That's not a happy thought at all.

My motorcycle class is in 3 weeks and I need gear for that and I know I can't afford it.  Money is such a huge issue.  I miss the days when I could get loans for school and my paychecks reached 6 digits and not my measly one hundred and something odd dollars.  Which brings me to the issue that I need another job for the summer because 20 hours a week is not going to quite cut it.  Maybe I should have gone back to the factory this summer on 2nd shift so I could have Fri/Sat/Sun off again.  Ugh

Next thing on my mind.  Boys.  Really I just keep going back for more.  I'm a little scared I'm going to get hurt again.  Why couldn't he have stepped up like this before?  And how long is this going to last?  Is he going to go back to the way he treated me before?  Every hour that goes by I think he's going back to ignoring me again. 

I really have a lot on my mind.  This is just the best and simplest way I could put it.  The thoughts are just rushing around and overwhelming me!

The Next Step

Ok so the depressed stage is mostly gone... I've reached bitterness.  I'm angry at the whole situation.  He knew that I was already emotionally damaged before we started anything and then he still treated me horribly.  At one point he had dug his grave.  Then when he backed out of the talk that he wanted to have Sunday night after telling me that he "wants to be the man that I deserve" he laid down in that grave and burred himself.  I would really love to just yell at him and just let it all out. 

I just really want answers.  I want to know why he treated me the way he did... no excuses.  I want to know if I ever meant anything to him.  And I want to know if he really wanted things to work out between us.  Mostly, though, I want to know if I meant anything to him.  I put so much energy to just get 'fluffed off' and put on the bottom on the list of priorities. 

I also wonder if he realized how much he meant to me.  Or how much the whole situation messed me up.  I'm moving forward.  I've already sent a text I shouldn't have... but I'm still glad I sent it. He doesn't seem like it has bothered him at all.  Maybe once in a while, but I feel like I was just a toy to him... to string along and be there just in case nothing more fun was available. 

I understand that he is going through something.  I will never intend to make it worse so I will probably never say the things on my mind.  I wish I had a back bone.  I feel like I wasted so much time and energy on him.  I have never tried so hard before nor have I fallen so hard at the end.  I have been damaged before but I was a complete wreck at the end of this... and I am still pretty messed up. 

I wish him all the worst in this life.  If he can't keep me around after 2 months then he isn't going to get ANY girl to stick around.  Good looks only take you so far, being nice can get you so far, but time, effort, and setting your priorities straight are the glue to get everything to stick.  I am the most laid back girl I know and I am very low maintenance.  I know no one who would have even stayed around as long as I did.  So good luck to you buddy!

Plaguing Thoughts

I have only been up for 10 min and I already have 3 more thoughts about this stupid realtionship shit.

1.) I'm sick of being told how great I am and no one backs it in actions.  If I was so great than why do I get treated like shit?
2.) I wonder if people think about me as much as I think about them.  I'm falling apart from everything that is going on and I don't even think that I am on his mind at all.  I fell asleep with him on my mind and woke up with him on my mind.
3.) I think that I just go from crappy to crappier.  I thought I wasn't being treated the way I deserved before... well it has gotten worse.

Like WTF is wrong with me?  Why can't I just give up?  Why do I allow people to treat me like shit?  Why?!?!?!

I just want the same courtesy I show people to be shown to me

The wait for this "talk" is driving me crazy and isn't helping the case at all.  We were supposed to talk Monday or Tuesday... then it gets put off all nonchalant like it isn't on his list of priorities.  Just like the whole "relationship."  I never felt like I made it on the list of priorities.  I just wanna swear and hit something or cry.

I don't know if all this is from one person or if it is the accumulation of shit that has been happening since Thanksgiving.  Either way, I can't believe I'm letting this all get to me like this.

I realize that this conglomeration of thoughts look like I just puked on the page everything on my mind... which I basically did.  I think I should have coffee before posting next time so it is better organized.  I'll post later.

Ugh

Sooooo.... today I feel like shit.
I don't know why today is so much worse than yesterday.  Perhaps the 4 hrs of sleep or the lack of sun.  I really wish that things would resolve.  I'm just trying to be patient but I want this 'talk' to be over.  I just want to go back to bed.  I can't even pay attention in class.  I didn't expect things to be this hard.  I just wanna go away for a while and get this off my mind.  The thoughts plague me and consume me.  I can't seem to do anything that takes this off my mind.  My stomach hurts... constantly.  My face is a crater zone cuz I have broken out so bad.  Why can't this all be over?!?!  Well I don't have anything else to say.  I hope to write something more positive soon!

"It's Complicated"

I'm sorry that I have been so emo lately. 
Relationships just seem to break me down unlike anything else.
I'm caught thinking and over thinking everything... I call it "Aryn Land."
I wish that all of this would stop consuming me and I could be more positive, but I guess that's why I have this blog.  Like I've mentioned before, it is hard for me to talk about my feelings and this blog is my therapy session.

I'm very torn right now.  I know I deserve to be treated better but sometimes that person you want to spend time with needs to spend more time on themselves.  One thing about me is that I jump in with both feet, i might test the waters a little, but then I just jump.  If I'm going to commit to something I am going to do so fully, not half way.  This means that I may have jumped into a relationship that is just not ready for me. 

I did officially break it off on Friday after some new information came to light.  I am pretty sure I talked about that last time I posted.  I then began to break down.  I developed stress-induced hives, lost my apatite, gained a lot of zits, and cried in public.  I decided that I was just falling apart.  I have kind of put myself in check today but I still haven't stopped thinking about it.

I am just not sure what to do at this point.  Many of my close friends tell me that he's just a jerk and that they'll be mad at me if continue anything with him.  There are just things they haven't seen... I have seen the look in his eye when I have serious conversations with him and I have seen just how genuine he can be.  At the same time I have talked to him on different occasions telling him my feelings point blank and nothing has changed.  I don't think I should expect such a change for 2 reasons.  1.) I haven't seen it yet and 2.) because I don't believe that someone should have to change to be with me.  I know change will not happen if the person doing the changing doesn't want to change.  It's hard because we really did have good times together but there are things I can't emotionally deal with anymore.

Ugh this is getting way to personal.  I am going to end here cuz this is just about how deep I can go.  Sweet Dreams.

All the things you never wanted to know

Those things that I said I wasn't going to talk about because they are too personal...
Yeah here they are.

It's not like being alone is foreign to me.  It seems that no matter what I am always alone.  It is just that I had put a lot of effort into this.  I guess this is what I get for putting my heart on the line.  I think it might just be too much to ask to be treated like a princess once in a while.  I am really not asking for much but it seems like a huge task because it doesn't seem like anyone can achieve this. 

In some ways the parts of being a girl that are still apart of me came out in this situation.  I have never been the jealous type before but here I sit wondering why?  Why did I sit at home hoping and waiting you would want to hang out when you were going to someone else's house to drink, watch movies, and cuddle with other girls?  I was right here! 

There are so many things that I wish I would have said to you.  So many things I am feeling.  I tried so hard to pull myself together and make it work.  I kept my feelings in check not to scare you away.  I gave you space.  I know you have been going through shit and I know that I can't be demanding attention when you have other things to deal with.  Part of me regrets every second of yesterday.  I am so torn and I don't even know what to feel right now.  If I didn't want it to work I would have been gone a month ago. 

I have memories and words floating through my head and doing battle.  The memories say, "go back you had fun together."  The words are saying, "he never treated you like a girlfriend."  I just don't know what to do.  Part of me just wants some knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet.  I know this will never happen.

If you really know me then I will put how I feel in perspective... I don't even want a cup of coffee right now.  That's how bad I feel...

Busy Week

Wow!  I've been really busy this week!!
I have been meaning to post because I have a lot on my mind but I have not had the time to write a meaningful blog.

I had two paper's due this week and stayed up until 7 am on Wednesday to write one.  I actually did homework at work this week!  That's pretty crazy.  On Tuesday I had my grad school orientation and I got to meet my classmates and some of my professors.  I registered for for my first semester of grad school classes and I have a pretty sweet schedule.  I'm done by noon everyday and I have Wednesdays off!  More time to work and pay the rent I guess.  This morning I had a job interview at the University Housing Office.  I am hoping that I can get the position to add to my 20 hrs I will already be working.  I very much want to work 40 hours this summer to make some money.  I will, however, be looking into other employment just in case.  The lady that interviewed me said that she will be getting back to me in the middle of next week so keep your fingers crossed for me!  There is only one position available...

I'm still thinking a lot about my emotional issues.  I try my best to keep it all in check but when I feel used by people I just kind of get depressed.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I continually feel knocked down like I don't matter much.  I have done what I can.  I have given people space and I have been around a lot and nothing seems to matter.  I have waited for almost 2 weeks since talking to one person for them to step up and nothing has changed.  I feel so low it is crazy.  I would be having a much better week if it wasn't for all this shit.  I really did have an amazingly productive week and I just can't seem to climb out of this canyon of negativity.  I don't know why I just haven't given up yet...

On another note... I graduate in a month!  How crazy is that?!?!  I'm not 100% sure what I think of this.  Bitter-Sweet because I'm coming right back to school in the fall anyway, but when I do I will have a bachelor's degree under my belt.  I'll be done in 2 years and I'll have a master's degree.  Kind of makes me feel smart... for once.  Ugh yup the negativity!  Well I'm out.  I'll work on posting more often!

Boo.... In a Bad Way

Sorry I haven't written much lately.
Most of it stems from the fact that everything that has been on my mind is either 1.) Nonexistent because my mind is under stimulated or 2.) Way too personal to post for the world to see.

A lot of the things that were previously on my mind are still there, just intensified.  Then you add senioritis and the lack of motivation... yeah I haven't been up to much lately.

I have spent way too much time by myself lately.  Weird thing is, I have been preferring it.  Quiet solitude to wallow in self pity.  Sounds wonderful doesn't it?

I'm just so sick and tired of putting effort into things and having it be a one way street.  My life has been an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs.  The ups are mostly from things that I do to make myself feel better, something I work on for me.  Why can't someone put as much work into making me feel special as I do for them.  People may not see that I'm giving it an E for effort but I really do think about them a lot.  I am not sure people realize how much I lie down and watch them walk all over me.  Sometimes I wonder if that is my worst quality.

So as I am sitting here hoping that I can get some sleep soon.  I can't help but to have these many things flowing through my head. [[My financial status isn't helping either]]  So I'm feeling kind of depressed and stressed.  I need sleep because I have an exam in the morning which equals more stress.

I'm so sick of putting on a fake smile everyday and living my life with a mask on.  I wish someone made me happy.  Why is it my lot in life to be a people pleaser?  Why can't I turn it off and be selfish?  Actually I don't really need someone to make me feel happy, yes it would be nice.  In fact, I just need to get rid of the people that suck me dry and stomp all over me.  Maybe I should have left Stout to go to a different grad school and move on from the people here.  Unfortunately bottom feeders will always suck you dry and leave you with nothing but shit, and they are everywhere.  I wish that they came with bright lights and sirens, yet when I find them I keep going back for more.  I don't quit easily enough I guess.

With that I'm going to shut up now.  Night peeps.