Happy Monday

Sorry about the lack of posting yesterday.
I was super tired and kind of cranky.
I have so much due tomorrow and a lot on my mind.
Tomorrow can't be done faster.

Anywho... I am excited to be turning over a new leaf.

It is time to be concerned with my own happiness.  I am sick of making sure everyone else is happy and letting their happiness define mine.  I have finally stopped taking the blame for everything and I'm over it.  I'm sick of the drama and waiting around hoping that these situations will resolve.  Sorry but you gotta deal with me... like me or not.  I can't take the blame for everything!!  If you have a problem with me talk to me about it instead of ignoring it and blowing up at me.  It is time for me to take care of me!  I want to be happy.  That said.  I am putting it behind me.  If you want to bring it up I will no longer be nice and I will tell you to just 'get over it!'  or tell you to delete my phone number.

This weekend may have been busy but I think it left me with the biggest smile I've had on my face in a long time.  I'm glad to be making me happy again.  I'm still working on me, I'm not totally redefining the wheel, but my healthy living kick is still in full swing and I'm looking to lose a few pounds.  I am also attempting to not ever think things and be better at communication.  I'm striving to be the best me I can be and put my best foot forward.

Well homework is calling.  Once again, when tomorrow is over I will feel so much better. 
Stay positive peeps!

Not Enough Sleep!!!

Getting up at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday is absolutely no fun.
I treated myself to a non-fat white mocha at Caribou :)
I am looking forward to a nap when class is over this afternoon.  

I was able to take my own advice and communicate my feelings last night.
It felt great to get some stuff off my chest.
I am trying something new and we'll see where it goes from here.
Excited and nervous all at the same time.

I really wish I had cell phone reception right now.
And another cup of coffee.

I think that it has taken me like 3 hours to write this blog.
I'm in such a haze and I don't have much to talk about (for real this time).
So I am going to let you go. I apologize for not having much to say.
Have a good one.  Stay positive!

Bored Rant

Weekend class.... sooooo bored. 

To make it better I am in a dead zone with no cell phone reception.

I don't have much to talk about today.

I am proud of myself that I have been doing well with my diet and working out this week.  I am excited because I have lost about 2-3 pounds this week already!  I feel completely vain today because the only thing that I have completed other than being in class was working out and tanning.  I even put facebook on hold *gasp* to work on my outward appearance.  I guess sometimes it is good to pamper yourself.  I always feel better after putting a little extra time into my appearance.  Call me vain, I don't care, in fact I was singing "You're so Vain" in the mirror this morning when I was getting ready for class.  I find it amusing that I will probably be more tan in February than I will be all summer!  My tan would be perfect if I was truly going to Mexico next week. 

Talking about working out.  I have missed it!  I'm so glad I am not as busy as I was last semester.  I am finally lifting again and my muscles hurt and it feels good (not to sound masochistic or anything).  I went once today and I'm ready to go again.  The endorphins are giving me energy and putting me in an all together good mood.  I wish I would have worked out more last semester when I was so stressed.

In fact I have been thinking about the loss of relationships that I went through last semester quite a bit lately.  I'm over the people that caused the hurt but the situations still kind of get to me.  I realized this week that there are many things that I have been able to set aside but there are aspects that I haven't placed coping mechanisms for, things that don't come up very often.  I had a week of contemplating some of these things and it has been very healing.  

One thing that has started this wave of thought occurred when I was talking to a friend about loss of relationships and I said "I'm over this guy" and she said "No you're not."  In fact this could be a controversial definition.  I don't think about him or miss him, I do call him inappropriate names from time to time.  In my opinion 99% of the time he doesn't even cross my mind so I am over him.  There are the occasions that I still call him  "fuck face" so looking at that 1% of time, maybe I'm not over it.  I think I am.  Good enough for me!

So much for not having much to say.  I am currently finding this cleansing because talking about divorce and loss of relationship in this class is kind of agitating.  Loss is hard no matter if it is a long-term relationship or a friendship, or even a loss within the family.  It takes time to get over it.  Staying positive is key.  Thankfully my healing process has almost come to a complete circle and I think I am ready to put the past behind me.  I may have thought this before, but I have learned better and I am starting to ignore my past and step forward.

I want to thank you all for your support and the positive reactions to my blog.  This is a nice therapy session for me to ramble on about things on my mind.  Good day to you!

Make New Friends but Keep the Old

I love friends.  Having friends makes my life complete and my world go around.  Lately I have been participating in "Bad Movie Night" with the guys I used to spend most of my time with back in my freshman year of college.  It has been really great seeing them again and reconnecting with them.

Today, I received a complement from one of my friends from freshman year.  To some it may not be a compliment but it just goes to show how good of a friend he is.  It also shows how well he knows me that he felt comfortable saying to me, "You are Wonderfully Weird."   I prefer to be a little abnormal, normal is just so overrated. This might just be the best compliment of the day!

Coming closer to graduation it is really hitting me how many of my friends will no longer be around.  One of my close guy friends is all pumped about going into the Navy.  I think it is a wonderful decision but this has really gotten me thinking about how I am going to feel when all these people leave.  This provides me a wonderful opportunity to learn how to keep in contact.  I do my best and lately I have been working hard at connecting with the many groups of friends that I have been blessed to be apart of these past 3 1/2 years of college.  When all is said and done, who I am still in contact with a year from now will really show me who my true friends are.  I still find it a little saddening that I will not be able to see them when I want. 

Even this post is making me kind of depressed. I understand there are many people out there and I will make more friends, but I don't think I have ever had as good of friends as I have in college.  Living so close to people in the dorms really creates a special bond.  You go to dinner together almost all the time, go to the gym together, and know who to call when you are bored and then you don't even have to go outside to see them.  

So for those who are leaving after this year, don't forget me.  If I don't come back here for grad school next year, I will never forget you.  I thank my friends for being in my life.  It will be an adjustment for me to move on but these are memories that will last a lifetime.

Pick Up the Phone!!

 Lately I have been thinking and discussing one little topic and my conclusion:

Communication is Key

I do not care how trivial or serious this communication is, but it is very important.  Human beings are made to be social individuals and language is part of this socialization.  I have come to the realization that everyone feels special when they receive a text message from someone they don't get to see very often.  I have been wrapped up in my own thoughts lately and I was reminded by a very good friend that I should text her more often - just to say hi.  I have even noticed that not receiving a text back when you expect it makes me wonder: where is this text?  Why isn't this person texting me back?  Yes, this is a part of communication that you should maybe think about a little bit more once in a while.  Send someone a text that you haven't talked to in a while.  Remember: The phone works both ways, don't sit around waiting for someone to contact you.

Getting a little deeper.  The lack of communication is almost detrimental to any relationship.  I am guilty of this lack of communication.  There are times where I forget to let people know that I am thinking about them or relay the frustrations I have with them.  Emotionally charged conversations are very difficult for me to start even when I have something serious to say.  I am hoping that this blog helps me get out some of my feelings and help me communicate better.  However, when I was in both of my past relationships, they suffered because I could not bring myself to tell the individual that I was displeased about something serious.  If someone cannot effectively communicate in their relationships, put up the caution sign because something is bound to explode.  Even with my mom I let my feelings bottle up until what could have been a civilized conversation turns into an argument.  Lack of communication can cause failure.  It is something that needs to be recognized and worked on.

There are things I wish I could go back and say out loud or state more clearly.  Part of me feels like I put a lot of thought into this post and I still didn't get out everything that I meant to.  I'm sure you get the point.  I think I'd have to go into more depth about personal things than I want to here, or really need to think about.  The past is in the past and should be treated as such.  

I am just happy that I am starting to open myself up to new possibilities and recognizing faults and learning from past experiences.  In some ways I hope I didn't blow my chances due to this lack of communicating my feelings.  If I did I might not be so open to new possibilities again.  We will see.  My heart is nervous right now.  I'm sure you'll know when I do about the outcome of my new "open" self.  Even that involves conversation and placing my thoughts and feelings in front of someone and apologizing for my lack of communication.

 

Until then, text someone you have been close with to say hi or send them a facebook message saying "I've been thinking about you."  This is actually really important to people, even if you don't think about it.

I have decided that posting in the morning is not a good idea, I think about too much other stuff between then and the end of the night.  This means I have to curse you with two posts in one day.  It is time to go to bed and watch some Supernatural.  I have a lot of homework to get done this week!  Stay positive!

Morning!

Good Morning! 

I just want to start off by saying thank you for reading.

For me this is just therapy whether anyone reads it or not.

A little shout out to my old roommate  "Quack Quack Meow."  It's supposed to make you smile.

Today is going to be a busy day.  I even have to skip class for an advisory bored meeting.  Whoever thought of putting me on a board to make decisions for an entire program was not thinking clearly.  I am flattered that I was asked and we will see how this meeting goes.  

I'm writing early today to keep this from distracting me from my homework.  I just realized today that the things I thought were due in two weeks are really due next week.  I will actually have to do homework this week, it is surprising.  Thank you Senioritis for helping me slack from getting things done in advance.  If any of you feel the need to yell at me to do my homework within this next week feel more than free to give me a little push. 

My mood has definitely changed in the last few days.  The sunshine today helps a lot!  I think I have made a decision about my little "To be or not to be" rant.  I think it is time for me to just have fun and stop over thinking everything. 

I have a short list of things that I work on changing within myself.  

#1 I wish I could get rid of my insecurities.  I think I'm silly for having them because they are just useless little things. 

#2 I over think everything.  I wish there were times that I could just turn off my brain!

#3 I have trouble talking about my emotions.  This makes my personal life a little harder, it hurts my mom's feelings, and it doesn't help my relationships. 

Have a good day everyone. 

I gotta end here because it is time to work on some homework.

Change?

Hello. Today I am in a better mood and I got some sleep last night!
And probably because I had a snow day today and had the opportunity to hit the gym.
I should be doing homework but you will learn that is the usual.

Today I don't feel like going as deep into my thoughts.  In fact we are going into shallow thoughts, you will see.

I have been contemplating coloring my hair.  My hair hasn't been touched with hair dye in 3 years and I am kind of proud that it is all natural.  However, last summer I debated going lighter and I'm thinking about it again.  I think I would like to try a light, golden brown just a few shades darker than dark blond.  I've never gone lighter and I don't know how it will look so I'm open to suggestions.  I will probably dye it back when autumn rolls around again, but then it won't be my natural color anymore.  Internal battle, again.

I am really ready to get inked again.  My funds are low but the one I want will be small and I am estimating it will cost about $50-$75.  When I get it done maybe I'll get a few stars added to my foot so that it doesn't make me seem like so much of a Muslim.  I would like to get the Celtic Knot of Sisterhood on the inside of my left wrist.  It stands for the bond between sisters and friends and it's unbroken line is symbolic of eternal love.  I'm debating making it two colors or just black.  I think that two colors would really highlight the different layers of the knot but I don't know what colors I would choose.  I'm trying to be careful because I want it to look feminine and I don't want it to look
like just a black blob on my arm.

I think I'll end here today.  Staying positive!

To be or not to be, that is the Question

I'm back again.  So soon? Yes.
I'm at work and should be working on homework too.  Surprise!

The questions floating in my head need to come out in text I guess.

How do you know someone is the right person?  Some people say you just know but I have not experienced something like that.  I pick apart everything and find all the negative aspects and try to think about it critically.  So if all I can see is the negatives and I have to question starting a relationship with someone, is it the wrong person?  A friend told me that if I can't see growing old with someone then I shouldn't date that person.  I feel like I don't know this person well enough to picture growing old with them.  Being out of the dating game for a while has got me a little confused. 

At this point the lack of sleep I have been getting is making it hard for me to even sort out my thoughts on this page.  So I apologize if this sounds scatter brained. 

Basically I find myself kind of emotionally retarded.  For a girl I am pretty emotionally detached from essentially everything.  Seeing tears in my eyes is a rare occurrence and should be documented to show that I'm not a cold heartless bitch.  I couldn't even tell you how the walls have been built up over the years but one explanation may come from my tendency to be independent and head strong.  I detest being out of control of things and I am always taking a step back to look at a situation with a point of view that is as level headed as possible.  This might be thought of as a good thing but to quote Bertrand Russell,  "Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." I keep this quote on my facebook just to remind me to be less cautious.  However, I find it beneficial to keep a good perspective on both sides of the story.


Next question.  If you don't know if a relationship is right, is it wrong to test it out anyway?  I mean this person makes me kind of nervous and I find myself stealing glances at him.  I look at him and think, this guy really likes me?  Really?  Damn and mmm *sigh all at the same time.  Feelings I can't really put into words.  He isn't my typical "type" but I think it is time to step out of the box considering my "type" hasn't worked yet.  I also have to remind myself that he isn't trying to play me like many other guys and let my wall down there.  My head knows it my heart needs to open up again.  One question that replays over and over in my head is: What do I want?!?!?  It is hard to answer this question.  So do I give it a try?  Not sure I want to say this to you readers but I think it is a relevant question.  Are my hormones just getting the best of me?  It is hard for this to sound as completely nonsexual as I want it to but... in a nonsexual way... am I just looking for the feeling of physical touch again?


I can't help but to continue asking: If I question whether or not to date this person, is it the wrong person?  Is it really as easy as "just knowing it?"  Good god I am driving myself nuts!  I just can't help it.  I can't turn my brain off.  But really, if I question it so much is it a bad idea or am I taking the smart approach? AHH!!


So much going on in my head (if you couldn't tell).  Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading.  Any suggestions are welcome. 


Listening to A Fine Frenzy today.  You should too.

It's the Buzz

I have not had a blog in forever so I decided that today would be the day to start again.  I have been following some blogs and I am a little intrigued.

To be honest with you I'm sitting at work extremely bored right now.  I should be doing homework but I'm doing this instead.  I should have majored in procrastination.

I have had a lot of things on my mind lately.  A lot of change is happening in my life right now and I am trying to sort some things out.  I did not fall asleep until like 5 a.m. this morning so my two cups of coffee are keeping the gears turning today.

I am going to be graduating May 14th making me super excited and nervous all at the same time.  I applied to graduate school and I am anxiously awaiting a final decision.  I got a call the other day to schedule an interview so I at least made it to that point.  I interview on March 9th at 10:55 a.m.  I was supposed to go on a trip to Mexico that week but it fell through.  Here is a wonderful example that sometimes things do/don't happen for a reason.  After this interview process I will know by April 14th the final decision of the graduate school of whether or not I make it in.  A lot is riding on this acceptance (or denial) if I don't get accepted I am strongly considering joining the National Guard, I'm not sure if I am crazy for thinking this or not. 

Another thing that keeps me awake at night is the thought of relationships.  I won't bore you with the great amount of detail I can go into.  To put it simply I don't know what I want.  I'm pretty newly single after a 2 1/2 year relationship and I'm certainly out of the game and I have already gotten burned.  I am enjoying my freedom but I am also kind of lonely.  I have great friends and family around me and I will never take that for advantage.  I'm told I can get what I want when it comes to a significant other but due to recent introspection I am thinking that I need to redefine what I want. One final statement.  He's not going to wait forever.  More contemplation to come on that one.

I'll let you go for now.  

Listen to some Paramore (that's what I'm doing now)