Update!

I know I haven't written in a while.  Life has hit a bit of a lull. 

I have gotten into grad school and since my motivation for school has gone down hill.  I have been doing a lot of procrastinating this past week.  This week has been weird.  No class on Monday or Wednesday and then having class on Friday and Saturday.  I don't know what day it is!!

I heard from the land lord of the apartment that I want.  I had to apply for an apartment complex, I have never heard of that before.  But I was accepted **happy dance** and I will be signing a lease on Tuesday!!  I feel like a big girl now getting my own place off campus.  The bedroom is such a nice size I am going to get a queen sized bed!!

However with this big girl freedom of having my own place comes financial terror.  I am currently VERY broke.  This motorcycle restoration project probably couldn't have started at a worse time.  I owe more on my credit card than I am going to have in my account when this bill rolls around.  Plus I have to worry about a security deposit and rent.  I'm going on the job hunt soon.  I feel bad putting the extra strain on my parents but it helps to know that they are there to support me when I need it.

The motorcycle project has kind of hit a road block.  There are carburetor issues that my dad and I do not really know how to fix so we are waiting for a manual to come in and he is going to tinker with it for a while.  I know it will get finished but I am at the end of my budget and haven't bought the gear yet.  Giving it some time here now.

As far as my male situation that has been disrupting my life.  Biggest realization I have come to is that I need to learn how to trust someone again.  I have hit a calm in my emotional tornado of thoughts on this.  Things haven't changed much except for my attitude.  I'm taking a little more charge and being more proactive.  My expectations are lower and I think that is kind of unfortunate.  I'm a little more laid back about the feelings now.  Some things bother me and there are things that I can't change or ask someone else to change.  We will see how this goes from now on.  I am being very patient and I really am not in much of a hurry to be in a relationship.  I might be cocky but my confidence is uplifted and my cockiness is helping me to get on with this in a way I need to.  It is still on my mind but not like before.  Time will only tell.

Motorcycle!!!!

Update!!

On Saturday my dad and I got the motorcycle running with primarily a new battery and some new gas.  The carburetors were leaking fuel at first but after we had the bike running for a while they stopped... hopefully it stays that way.  It was off to a rough start with the backfiring and the fact it didn't want to idol, but the main point here is that it runs!!!  After that we drained the oil and struggled to get the oil filter cover off, so we ordered a new bolt for the cover so we are waiting for the new bolt to come in before we put the new oil and filter in.  Right now I am waiting for that bolt, an air filter, and the front tire to ship and we'll get started on some more repairs.  We need to bleed the break lines and put new break fluid in.  I think after that we are going to take it for a ride!  She needs a lot of elbow grease and polishing to add the finishing touches, oh and we need to get a new back tire.  All in all she hasn't been too suborn, as long as the carbs are done leaking.

I have been shopping for some gear and I think I have reached a final decision on what to get.

I like this jacket:
The top is leather and I think the light striping will make me more visible, especially if it is dark out.

It also has some of the best armor available in the elbows, shoulders, and back.

Other nice features are the removable liner, vents, and that it is water proof.

For $80 it's pretty much all I'm looking for, I just hope it doesn't look too bulky on.

 Then I like this helmet:
After trying on many helmets I decided I like the 3/4 or open face.

On this one the visor is removable.  I also get a clear and a tinted visor so I have options.

Plus I like the little pink accents, gives me a little girl power in a male dominated activity.

 I'm a huge fan of the look of the flat black and there are quite a few vents which will be nice on hot days.


I haven't bought yet, once the bike is on the road I will order what I need.

Until then I am looking into taking a riding class.  I think this would be the smartest move.  Right now I can register for a weekend course the weekend after I graduate at the end of May.  I am going to see if there is anything that will be available in April to take closer to school.

I'm just excited to get it running, have a license/temps, and get it to school to ride with my friends!!

Looking Up

This week was quite the roller coaster.

I did quite a bit of eating my feelings because I hit quite the low this week.

However that has been made up for.  Went out Friday night with some great friends, slept in a little and woke up to the best news.  I got accepted into grad school!!  **Big sigh of relief**  Now I am officially on Spring Break and I am finally home for the first time in months!  I was excited to crawl into my comfy bed which is so much better than the dorm beds!  I walk into my room and what is waiting for me?  The newest book by Harlan Coben, my favoritest author ever!!  This rounds up my collection of his books to 10.  I feel like such a nerd but if you like murder/mystery these books are intense.  I'm serioussly debating reading or watching Prison Break.  I haven't decided yet.

To make things better... as if they could... tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to be working on my motorcycle after a home made breakfast.  You know it is the little things in life that really make me happy.  So what I'm not going anywhere special for Spring Break.  I am just glad to be home with the people I love.  I'm looking forward to a very relaxing week.  After this week I am looking forward to apartment hunting.  This will be a new and exciting experience that I get to share with a very good friend.  I have already found one place that is close to campus and is a good possibility. 

One thing that may not be relaxing... I think I may need to hit up the clinic to see what is up with my knee.  I went running over a week ago and my knee is still bothering me.  It isn't really getting any better, just seems to be getting worse.  I don't know if I think it is getting worse just because I am extremely annoyed by the constant pain.  But, if I go to the clinic maybe I can get some Vicodin... until then I will settle for a knee brace and some beer. 

Well I think it is time to start reading my new book!  And then watch Prison Break (which is my new fav show since I finished Supernatural).  I made a decision not to have to decide between the two.  Have a good one readers!

Graduation

Whoo what a day!  I am totally exhausted.  I had my interview for grad school and I was so psyched out about it when I was finished and calmed down I totally crashed.  I could go for a nap!  I think I did pretty well.  I tried to answer all the questions very thoroughly as well as short and sweet.  Then they asked me to tell them a little bit about myself that they didn't already know.  I blanked.  Like what kind of information did they want?!  I guess I will know in one to two weeks whether I made a good enough impression.  I'm not too worried about it right now but I might be later when I'm not so sleepy.

After my interview I went to the graduation fair and bought my cap and gown!!  Aaah the smell of graduation is in the air!!  I'm getting closer to what I would like to call freedom, but I am going back to school so it is kind of bitter sweet.  

If I get accepted into grad school I will be spending most of April apartment and job hunting.  If I don't get accepted... anyone know the name of any good National Guard recruiters?  This is really a scary position to be in.  My life as I know it is ending in May!!  And as of right now I have no clue what is going to happen.  I'm too much of a control freak to not know what I am going to be doing in like 2 months! 

It is time to embark on a new chapter in my life.  I'm ready for the ride I just feel the need to start planning already!!

Past Meet Present

I do have a past.

I have been used.

I do not like bringing my past into my present.

I have learned from my mistakes.

The past is always a learning experience.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I like to keep the past in the past, but there are things that I have learned that cannot be ignored.  I have been treated like a piece of ass before instilling in me an air of extreme caution.  It is hard to know when you are getting 'played' and that's why it happens.  Sadly that causes me to bring these injuries into my present.

Sometimes I have to be reminded to:

Be myself because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

I wish I wasn't this way.  I wish things that have happened in my past could just go away.  I know what it is like to be treated poorly and I don't want to be the fool that goes back again.  I am learning more patience right now.  However, it is not going to last long.  I am trying to redefine my schema on dating because perhaps the last relationship moved too fast.  There is something amiss here and I am hitting that caution point. 

Not every person is the same and I wish I did not have the past I did so I could look at this from a more whimsical side.  But I do have my past.  I wish I didn't have to pull my past into this, but I am.

I have walls built for a reason.  These walls get stronger after every wrong turn on the road of life.  Once these walls are reached I shut down.  I stand looking at the wall looking for a way around.  Do I turn back?  Do I find a new road?  Perhaps there is someone on the other side tearing down the wall.  Right now if someone doesn't show me the way around I will be turning back and finding a new path.

The road of life is bumpy and sometimes there are dead ends.  Every wrong or right turn teaches you something about yourself.  I am who I am because of my experiences.  I just hope that the new experience I am embarking on doesn't cause me to build more walls.

Emo

Sorry I haven't written in a few days.

I had a very busy and fun filled weekend.

Maybe it was the crazy emotional high I was on over the weekend, but I'm feeling a little depressed today.  It took me quite  few hours to come to the conclusion that I am just in a bad mood.  So many things could explain it but I haven't felt like this in a quite a while.  I don't know if it is because my knee has kept me from going to the gym in 3 days or maybe the lack of sun.  However, I am curled up in my chair with my blanket being anti-social.  I dislike being this way.  When I'm in these moods this isn't the me I like to be.  Even the ice cream didn't help.  Right now all I wanna do is take a nap, but I can't.  Bah!  Stupid depression crap.  Basically everything sucks right now.  I swear at me knee, eat too much and get mad at myself for it.  I guess it is just going to be a night in.  Probably time for some sort of comedy or good feeling kind of movie.  

Some random words for laughter:

Genius Tips for Picking Up Chicks!

1.  Naked is as naked does.

2.  If at first you don't succeed, try again, and again, and again.  All it takes is one to say yes.

3.  Look for women with an ugly friend.  Then surprise them by hitting on the ugly friend.

4.  Borrow someone's baby and bring it to the bar.  Ladies love babies.

5.  Lower your standards.  Really low.

Enjoy your evening and stay positive!

P.S.  Supernatural is like the best show ever!

Things

Today's topic:

Things are what you make of them. 

I started thinking about this on Valentine's Day because I hate the 'holiday' and I was going to do everything I could to make it a good day.  Sometimes it is the little things in life that you have to set your hopes on and make it fun.  Yesterday I was really tired, but I made really good coffee and watched Tom and Jerry.  I had a wonderful time even though I was doing homework and over thinking things.  If you approach a situation with a negative attitude you will typically get a negative outcome. 

My Spring Break plans have fallen through leaving me with a very nice tan in March.  At first I was really disappointed but I decided to make the best of it and now I am so excited about getting my motorcycle running.  Working on a motorcycle is no where near as thrilling as going to Cancun but I may just be more exited about it than I was when I was going to Mexico. 

Some things in my life are happening that I am unhappy about the lack of control I have.  However, I am doing my best to dwell on the really wonderful things that have happened encompassing the situations.  This makes the bad seem hazy in comparison. 

Not to say that I never have a bad day.  Sometimes you have to take things in stride.  In fact I am currently trying to do that, but last night was so fun I am still living off that.  My mind is kind of swimming right now.  So before I change the topic and go off on a different rant I will end here.  Stay positive!

It Is What It Is

So going back to what I was talking about the other day.  I didn't mention anything yesterday because I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down.  Today I'm a little more contemplative.  It is in my nature to over think things and this is no exception.  I think the only thing I can do right now is not fret about it.  I can't let a thing like this bring me down so I am taking an 'oh well' approach.  I have taken account of the good a little more and I have some theories about the whole story.  It is what it is and I just have to roll with the punches and keep on living my life.  If this thing doesn't work out then I just have to be ready to move on.  I need to be me no matter what and I'm ready to do that right now.  If I never let anything in life happen I will go on regretting what could have been.  Until I know the outcome of this story I am going to continue just doing what I need/want to do for me.  Time will tell. 

The thing is I just don't like living in uncertainty.  I'm the 'grab life by the horns' kind of girl and I like to 'get er done!' Sitting around waiting for someone else is not my kind of thing.  However, patience is a virtue and you can never get enough lessons in patience.  So I will take this as a learning experience and either learn by reward or learn by my mistakes.  Shit happens and sometimes you just gotta eat it. 

I'm a little tired and all these analogies and cliches are seeming appropriate at this time, sorry if you find them annoying. 

Last thing I have to say: I hope I didn't practice my self control for nothing.  I will go to bed with my cheetos and nothing more.  Goodnight friends... stay positive. 

Good Day

Today has been an all together good day.  Woke up at 8:30 and hit the gym for about an hour.  My knees are in pain but I'm excited that I was able to run a 10 minute mile and I really don't think I've ever done that before.  I was never really involved in any endurance sports that forced me to push myself like that.  After I went to the gym I had eggs and oatmeal for breakfast and with the sun shining I was in a very good mood.  I was glad all my roommates were gone because I walked around our room blasting my music and singing.  I went tanning and got to use my new tanning lotion, went to class, and now we are here.  I am at work and should be doing some homework.  Instead I'm talking to you and eating my tuna and salsa wrap.  Being healthy makes me feel so much better... well except for my stupid knees, but they will get over it.  In fact I'm almost ready for another run.

I just have one class left for the rest of the week.  I have 'Relaxation' at 2:30 tomorrow and that's it.  So difficult!  Just a little homework to do for this week and then 'Relaxation' homework due next Tuesday.  Getting closer to Spring Break!  Getting closer to a week of me being a grease monkey!  I'm excited to learn more about engines and pull apart my motorcycle to get it running again!!!!  I'm so ready to ride and have the wind blowing through my hair!  We'll see how good I am at driving the big old 1980 Yamaha 850 Special.

Last night I had a dream that I was biking on the trail again.  I have spring fever something fierce! I'm ready to get out and spend time outside again!  Running or biking on the trail sounds like a more appealing cardio work out than being on the treadmill again.

I realize this post is very shallow but I'm in such a bubbly mood today that I don't really have anything deep to talk about.  Stay positive!!  Listen to some Breaking Benjamin... they are my band of the day!

Sane Psycho

Today I feel just about as confused as I did last night.  Luckily I was tired enough when I went to bed at one to just zonk out otherwise I could have been up until 5 thinking.  I really dislike the fact that I think so much and over think things.  Sometimes I wish the answers in life were a little bit easier.  I want to be happy, but why does this happiness seem to come at a cost? I feel right now I'm left with more questions than answers and that the answers to my questions are so distant.

I hate sitting around waiting for life.  I have much better things to do with my free time... and in last night's case, not so free time.  I'm willing to do what it takes.  I just don't know what it is that I need to do.  I have been out of practice with this new beginnings thing for 3 years, am I just over thinking this?  A little discussion is all that it would take to clear up my questions, but the opportunity to have this discussion hasn't presented itself. Red flags are flying right now.  This isn't where I wanted this to be.  My extreme caution right now is telling my fight or flight response to start running.  My sense of reason tells me to let it play out just a little longer.  I may just have to rely on my fall back motto of: somethings do or don't happen for a reason. 

The last thing I need right now is to lose another friend.  Sometimes this sh*t is just so consuming.  I shouldn't be so crazy about this right now.  I want to just let it slide but I just don't know what's going on and that drives me insane. I can see I am being "that psycho girl" and that's not the way I want to be.  The good outweighs the bad, but the bad is what is on my mind right now!  I have just hit a wall of uncertainty.  I guess it is bound to happen.

I just want to know that there is someone out there who is thinking of me just as much as I am thinking about them.

And on that note.  I must get back to my homework.  I give a presentation in an hour and I'm not done with it yet.  Once this day is over I'll be feeling a lot better.  I will only have 2 classes left for the rest of this week and the only homework I have is for my "relaxation" class.  

To all my wonderful readers, stay positive!