Soul Searchin

I think I have had an epiphany.

As I have been working on convincing myself that I am happy with the single life... because face it A. I don't get out much and B. I'm a little jaded on the manfront.  I think of the wonderful guy friends that I have and how they can never find a girlfriend.  Wondering why girls always date the jerks.  Well... maybe I have an idea.

I search myself and try to figure out how people, especially males, are capable of really loving someone.  Maybe that is the underlying problem.  The good guys can't find girlfriends because the good guys are scary.  Yes, you are scary.  Think about it.  Girls always date the jerks... why?  Because we know them.  We know that they aren't capable of love, that they are in the relationship for what we can do for them, and that understanding the realm of these jerks gives us the upper hand.  We know how to cushion the blow when they don't love us because we know what to expect.  We know how to control them because we know what they want and what to take away if we are not getting our way.  And it is scary to think of hurting someone that doesn't deserve to be hurt.

Nice guys are unpredictable.  It is scary.  We no longer know how to have control or what to expect.  That is my epiphany.

I Would Do it for You

Sitting home alone on another Friday night makes me feel pretty crummy.

I want someone to cuddle with when it is 50 degrees out.  And to enjoy some fall weather fun.  I just feel so lonely and I don't want to be alone.

I'm just going to tell you that I want my man back.... but you already know that.  Bla bla bla.

Where do I even start meeting new people.  I work 2nd shift so most things go on during the night.  I could get a second job however I don't really like spending time with people I work with outside of work.  Not really anything to join around town.  I'm sure there are volunteer opportunities... but where?

I need to get out and broaden my horizons or I can see myself getting rather depressed... But how?

Part of me just wants to run away and start a new life.

Reading Into Every Word You Say

I'm really fucking awesome... and if someone doesn't want to put in the effort to be with me then screw them.  I don't need to waste my time, energy, or tears over them.

Says one part of my brain.

The other part is silently pleading with him to get back with me.  Where does desperation end?  In my head I keep thinking:

"We can compromise on talking on the phone and even try webcam if that makes you more comfortable.  We can just text more instead.  Not like our schedules line up very well anymore anyway.  And I'll come visit you as much as I can as long as it fits into our schedules.  I'd rather be there than here.  So it wouldn't be saying goodbye it would be see you soon.  So what we don't know what is happening in January.  The good news neither of us does so perhaps we will be up to going on an adventure together.  Who knows?  If we both like each other why can't that work?"

Ugh I sound so desperate.  I feel like inside I am begging to get back together and I shouldn't have to beg someone to be with me.

Karma

What goes around comes around?

As I have been trying to put myself in the mindset of my ex to see things from his point of view... I came to the conclusion that I have made someone feel the way I am feeling.  When Chris and I broke up I really missed him but I couldn't logically think it was going to work.  So now the shoe is on the other foot.  I am on the sad side of the coin.  Not like I wasn't sad when we broke up but I was the one that was in control of the outcome.  Now I am not.

Both sides of the story suck.

However, I just can't see not giving it the best try.  Why can't we see how it goes in the same state?  See what happens in January?  I don't want to pressure him into getting back together.  But we haven't really TRIED!  I feel defeated.  Trying to be in a relationship with me isn't worth it.  Can't face disliking talking on the phone for me?  Can't work on a relationship because you don't want to talk on the phone?  Such a simple little thing and that is going to break up this relationship?

You have better things to do than talk on the phone with me?

Do you think about how these statements make me feel?

I am trying to see things from your perspective.  Are you trying to see things from mine?

Cause I'm Broken when I'm Lonesome

I feel broken today.

No matter how I try to protect myself I end up getting hurt.

Every moment that I let my life get quiet the little voice in my head says "You're not worth it."  This is why I fall asleep with the TV on.  I feel like a big fat loser.  What's wrong with me that I'm still all alone?

I guess I give into all the stupid lines.  I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt that they aren't just like the last one.  I try hard to separate the new relationship from the last.  And I make the same mistakes.

Why do people have to be so mean?  Why do they drag people along instead of letting them go?  Why do they feed them lines only to kick a girl when she's down?  Why was I told "let the other go and if they come back so much the better?"  I came back and got shut down with "I don't have time for you... and I got nothing else to say.  Text me!  Bye."  So that leaves me feeling like garbage... thrown away like I don't matter.  But I'd be good for a one night stand if I text him.

I'm just broken down and worthless.

Put My Tender Heart in a Blender

What just happened?

I just thought that there was a real possibility.  I mean... that wasn't what I expected at all.  I'm working so hard to process what happened that I can't even clearly remember what happened.

So we finally talked.  After like 45 min of a generic "life update" chat I spit it out.  Even after hours of rehearsing it took much difficulty.  It went something a little like this... (not really this smooth, and not verbatim)...

     So... I realized that I couldn't swallow my pride long enough to reach a middle ground on
     the whole talking thing.  I got on my high horse and wanted you to feel the way you felt
     without really thinking about how you felt.  I don't see why we couldn't try and make
     this work in the same state.  I think we can compromise about talking and figure it out.

     Well I don't want you blaming yourself for all of it.  It does take some effort...
     Aaaannd... I have other things I need to spend that time on.
     I don't really know what else to say.

Something like that.  Basically making me feel that I'm not worth his time.  I mean I can understand in your last year of college there are a lot of things that demand a person's attention.  I get that.  But jeeze isn't there a nicer way to put that.  I can't believe he didn't see that coming.  I text him that I miss him and wanted to talk.  I get that some boys are dense... but he should have seen it coming.  So he should have been prepared with some kind of response.

Speaking of seeing things coming... there was foreshadowing here.  I never catch the foreshadowing in movies anyway so like why would I catch it in real life?  When he stated that his friends/family asked him how long this relationship would last.  I thought it was a reflection of the girls he dated... but no I think he has a real track record.  No wonder the guy is divorced and single.

I still don't think I get it.  Why did he want to try to keep it going long distance if he didn't want to put the effort in it?  Why did he do the meet the family thing?  Why did he tell me that he still likes me and misses me if I'm not worth the time.

Just... Wow... I feel pretty crappy right now.

Giving Up or Giving In?

Am I being fair?

I couldn't help myself today.  I couldn't hold it all in anymore.  My heart finally won a battle.  I text him and told him that I miss him.  Later I asked him to talk.

Is it fair of me to discuss the possibility of getting back together?  Should I give him the chance?  Or should I just let it go and allow him to heal?

I know now that I couldn't swallow my pride and come to an agreement on when we should talk.  I had to have it my way.  I had to make him feel the way I did instead of finding a compromise between the two.  I was so stuck on my past and how I have supported my relationships alone.  I was so stuck on me that I didn't really hear, didn't really listen until it was too late.

This summer has been a time of a lot of crap being dealt on my plate.  First, my friend is dating my ex.  Well I really needed some time to figure that out.  Things with my (other) ex ended in uncertainty... surprise.  I had to convince myself that he was bad for me and move on even though it was hard.  With my friend being with my ex it brought up a lot of feelings that I had buried.  With that I let my handsome man drift away from me.  I pushed him away.  I didn't want to be hurt... I didn't want to hurt him.  It was a difficult subject for me to deal with and really deal with, not bury again.  When I figured that out, I had let my relationship go and I couldn't emotionally bring it back in the state I was in.

In general I'm not okay with where I am at.  I am not home here anymore.  My home is back at school... where I spent 6 years of my adult life.  Being where I am at is not ideal.  I have no friends.  Those who I thought were my friends just want to get in my pants... including those that are married.  That was a hard pill to swallow.

The third hard thing to deal with is my long time friend getting diagnosed with cancer again.  I just have a lot to deal with emotionally.  I HATE emotions. 

I know there are no excuses.  But I've had my wake up call.  I can't imagine if I just swallow my pride and make some compromises... really put in that effort... why it can't work.  I'd rather be there than here anyway.  I think we can work it out in the same state.  I started the relationship being very open and honest.  I think it is time to be that way again, I just hope he will really listen to what I have to say.

I have felt much more positive today.  I just want to be cautious to not rub dirt in his wounds.