I Would Do it for You

Sitting home alone on another Friday night makes me feel pretty crummy.

I want someone to cuddle with when it is 50 degrees out.  And to enjoy some fall weather fun.  I just feel so lonely and I don't want to be alone.

I'm just going to tell you that I want my man back.... but you already know that.  Bla bla bla.

Where do I even start meeting new people.  I work 2nd shift so most things go on during the night.  I could get a second job however I don't really like spending time with people I work with outside of work.  Not really anything to join around town.  I'm sure there are volunteer opportunities... but where?

I need to get out and broaden my horizons or I can see myself getting rather depressed... But how?

Part of me just wants to run away and start a new life.

Reading Into Every Word You Say

I'm really fucking awesome... and if someone doesn't want to put in the effort to be with me then screw them.  I don't need to waste my time, energy, or tears over them.

Says one part of my brain.

The other part is silently pleading with him to get back with me.  Where does desperation end?  In my head I keep thinking:

"We can compromise on talking on the phone and even try webcam if that makes you more comfortable.  We can just text more instead.  Not like our schedules line up very well anymore anyway.  And I'll come visit you as much as I can as long as it fits into our schedules.  I'd rather be there than here.  So it wouldn't be saying goodbye it would be see you soon.  So what we don't know what is happening in January.  The good news neither of us does so perhaps we will be up to going on an adventure together.  Who knows?  If we both like each other why can't that work?"

Ugh I sound so desperate.  I feel like inside I am begging to get back together and I shouldn't have to beg someone to be with me.

Karma

What goes around comes around?

As I have been trying to put myself in the mindset of my ex to see things from his point of view... I came to the conclusion that I have made someone feel the way I am feeling.  When Chris and I broke up I really missed him but I couldn't logically think it was going to work.  So now the shoe is on the other foot.  I am on the sad side of the coin.  Not like I wasn't sad when we broke up but I was the one that was in control of the outcome.  Now I am not.

Both sides of the story suck.

However, I just can't see not giving it the best try.  Why can't we see how it goes in the same state?  See what happens in January?  I don't want to pressure him into getting back together.  But we haven't really TRIED!  I feel defeated.  Trying to be in a relationship with me isn't worth it.  Can't face disliking talking on the phone for me?  Can't work on a relationship because you don't want to talk on the phone?  Such a simple little thing and that is going to break up this relationship?

You have better things to do than talk on the phone with me?

Do you think about how these statements make me feel?

I am trying to see things from your perspective.  Are you trying to see things from mine?

Cause I'm Broken when I'm Lonesome

I feel broken today.

No matter how I try to protect myself I end up getting hurt.

Every moment that I let my life get quiet the little voice in my head says "You're not worth it."  This is why I fall asleep with the TV on.  I feel like a big fat loser.  What's wrong with me that I'm still all alone?

I guess I give into all the stupid lines.  I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt that they aren't just like the last one.  I try hard to separate the new relationship from the last.  And I make the same mistakes.

Why do people have to be so mean?  Why do they drag people along instead of letting them go?  Why do they feed them lines only to kick a girl when she's down?  Why was I told "let the other go and if they come back so much the better?"  I came back and got shut down with "I don't have time for you... and I got nothing else to say.  Text me!  Bye."  So that leaves me feeling like garbage... thrown away like I don't matter.  But I'd be good for a one night stand if I text him.

I'm just broken down and worthless.

Put My Tender Heart in a Blender

What just happened?

I just thought that there was a real possibility.  I mean... that wasn't what I expected at all.  I'm working so hard to process what happened that I can't even clearly remember what happened.

So we finally talked.  After like 45 min of a generic "life update" chat I spit it out.  Even after hours of rehearsing it took much difficulty.  It went something a little like this... (not really this smooth, and not verbatim)...

     So... I realized that I couldn't swallow my pride long enough to reach a middle ground on
     the whole talking thing.  I got on my high horse and wanted you to feel the way you felt
     without really thinking about how you felt.  I don't see why we couldn't try and make
     this work in the same state.  I think we can compromise about talking and figure it out.

     Well I don't want you blaming yourself for all of it.  It does take some effort...
     Aaaannd... I have other things I need to spend that time on.
     I don't really know what else to say.

Something like that.  Basically making me feel that I'm not worth his time.  I mean I can understand in your last year of college there are a lot of things that demand a person's attention.  I get that.  But jeeze isn't there a nicer way to put that.  I can't believe he didn't see that coming.  I text him that I miss him and wanted to talk.  I get that some boys are dense... but he should have seen it coming.  So he should have been prepared with some kind of response.

Speaking of seeing things coming... there was foreshadowing here.  I never catch the foreshadowing in movies anyway so like why would I catch it in real life?  When he stated that his friends/family asked him how long this relationship would last.  I thought it was a reflection of the girls he dated... but no I think he has a real track record.  No wonder the guy is divorced and single.

I still don't think I get it.  Why did he want to try to keep it going long distance if he didn't want to put the effort in it?  Why did he do the meet the family thing?  Why did he tell me that he still likes me and misses me if I'm not worth the time.

Just... Wow... I feel pretty crappy right now.

Giving Up or Giving In?

Am I being fair?

I couldn't help myself today.  I couldn't hold it all in anymore.  My heart finally won a battle.  I text him and told him that I miss him.  Later I asked him to talk.

Is it fair of me to discuss the possibility of getting back together?  Should I give him the chance?  Or should I just let it go and allow him to heal?

I know now that I couldn't swallow my pride and come to an agreement on when we should talk.  I had to have it my way.  I had to make him feel the way I did instead of finding a compromise between the two.  I was so stuck on my past and how I have supported my relationships alone.  I was so stuck on me that I didn't really hear, didn't really listen until it was too late.

This summer has been a time of a lot of crap being dealt on my plate.  First, my friend is dating my ex.  Well I really needed some time to figure that out.  Things with my (other) ex ended in uncertainty... surprise.  I had to convince myself that he was bad for me and move on even though it was hard.  With my friend being with my ex it brought up a lot of feelings that I had buried.  With that I let my handsome man drift away from me.  I pushed him away.  I didn't want to be hurt... I didn't want to hurt him.  It was a difficult subject for me to deal with and really deal with, not bury again.  When I figured that out, I had let my relationship go and I couldn't emotionally bring it back in the state I was in.

In general I'm not okay with where I am at.  I am not home here anymore.  My home is back at school... where I spent 6 years of my adult life.  Being where I am at is not ideal.  I have no friends.  Those who I thought were my friends just want to get in my pants... including those that are married.  That was a hard pill to swallow.

The third hard thing to deal with is my long time friend getting diagnosed with cancer again.  I just have a lot to deal with emotionally.  I HATE emotions. 

I know there are no excuses.  But I've had my wake up call.  I can't imagine if I just swallow my pride and make some compromises... really put in that effort... why it can't work.  I'd rather be there than here anyway.  I think we can work it out in the same state.  I started the relationship being very open and honest.  I think it is time to be that way again, I just hope he will really listen to what I have to say.

I have felt much more positive today.  I just want to be cautious to not rub dirt in his wounds.

In Love with Love?

I have no clever question or inspiring train of thought tonight.  I thought I was doing alright today.  I got up early and participated in some retail therapy with my mom (I'm super excited about a super cute dress I bought).  However, this shopping trip only reminded me of the last weekend him and I spent together.

We went to the same mall and everything.  Plus I was craving Mexican food... which is what we ate for lunch that Sunday.  

Yet I put much of that aside today and enjoyed the time and conversation with my mom.  Work kept me pretty busy so I realized I was having a good day.  Then things wound down at work and I came home to sit around alone.  I thought of how I miss kissing him and holding him.  How I would love to go out for dinner and have a reason to look stunning in my new dress.  

I just want to find love.  

I can't sleep.  I have barely slept for a little over a week. But I can't fall asleep because all I do is keep thinking about him.  Does he still think about me? 

Can We Pretend that Airplanes in the Night Sky are like Shooting Stars

Is wanting to get back together a defense mechanism?

Our bodies are constantly trying to find a way to be comfortable.  If we wear something tight long enough it generally stops annoying us as we get used to it (unless it is going to cause permanent damage).  This is our parasympathetic system going to work to attempt to keep us comfortable... because who wants to be uncomfortable?

So... is the desire to want to get back together with an ex simply to help us reach a level of comfort the fastest?  Or did my feelings reach places of my heart deeper than I wanted to admit?  I do tend to lie to myself about my feelings because I don't deal with emotion very well.

However, I'm left with the question of whether or not it is good to get back together with a certain someone.  In the past I have gone through relationships that I had NO DESIRE to interact with that person again.  Still, I felt some pains of missing that person and thoughts of getting back together with them were fleeting.

On the other hand, I have gotten back together with an ex in the past and it proved to be very painful.  For a while all was well but eventually the relationship ended permanently.  Getting back together only prolonged the healing process.  At least I knew I had given it my best effort.

How can two people that are so good together fall apart so quickly once they are apart?  I am left confused how this relationship crashed and burned so soon after distance separated us physically.  Was I just too high and mighty to swallow my own pride?  I feel I want to get back together to take it one step at a time to stand up and be the person I know I can be.  Even if that means admitting to my shortcomings and finding common ground when I want to stand as king of the hill.

I would rather see this person once in a while than never again.

I just don't know if they would feel the same way.  Maybe in a few weeks I will have healed and will have no more questions of getting back together.  Maybe in a few weeks the desire will be more intense.  The uncertainty of the future causes me discomfort.  Where is my crystal ball?

If Only Time Flew Like a Dove

When do we stop missing people?

We go from one relationship to another missing ones we have previously shared a part of our hearts with.  When does one simply stop having someone they miss?  It is easy to understand at this point in my healing process why people have rebound relationships.  However, when the rebound ends... aren't you still left missing someone?  So when does it all stop?

The good news is that you've stopped missing one ex, the bad news is you have started missing another ex.

Am I the only one who seems to feel like I am always missing someone?  A love or a friend that is no longer there due to the termination of a relationship.  The sting of missing someone leaves a void in your heart where they used to live.  Whether you blocked that part from your brain or not, there is still a hole.

I live my life with logic and thinking about what I am supposed to do.  When my heart starts to lead me in one direction it leaves me distraught and confused.  When emotions take over is the head or the heart weak?  Or does that show the flexibility of being human?

Where is "the one?"  Is it real that there is a certain someone for everyone?  Or when two paths cross is it something that takes work?  I have always rated myself if I have given the "E" for effort?  Somehow I feel like I'm always falling short.  What could I have done to make it better?  Does the person even want me to try and make it better?

When the effort falls short... is it time to let go?  Is there that special moment for two people?  And does it die with the turmoil that comes when you try to meld two people into one relationship?  When do you stop trying and call it quits?  When do you know when the other person is finished giving forth effort, even after a wake up call?

Do you really still like me?  When you say that you never stopped liking me.... is it just to make me feel better and lead me off the trail that you met someone else?  When you say you let me go because of distance and if I come back or the circumstances change so much the better, is that your hint to me that I should come back?  Shouldn't you be my knight in shining armor running after me to keep me from going?  Why does media put this sort of thought in my head?

Is it a hint?  Am I supposed to come back?  Do we want to keep trying?  Is it really unfair "so far away?"  Is this really that far away?  When my phone rings I hope it's you.  In my day dreams you show up at my door and hold me in your arms like you're never going to let me go.  Will this exist for me one day?  Life leaves me questions I seldom know the answers to.  Ending relationships leads my heart and my head into battle.  

"I've hoped for change, and it gets better everyday
I've hoped for change, but still I feel the same.
There's something wrong, cause everybody knows
that we can do this on our own...
And I'll confess that I can be a little selfish
Yeah I'll admit I don't want you to help me through this
I don't want to start over again."
~Woah by Paramore

I Walk in Circles but I'll Never Figure Out

I have been giving a lot of thought about trust lately.

When we are born we experience total trust.  As an infant we trust those around us to nurture us and keep us safe.  As we age we are taught that there are some weirdos out there that we shouldn't trust.  Through life experiences we learn that pedophiles aren't the only people that can hurt us.  Based on these experiences we allow a certain amount of trust with the people in our lives.  Some people are allowed more trust, some break down walls and reach a deeper sense of trust, others lose all your trust.

Now along with these theories of trust are questions of how much we actually trust people.

Recently coming out of another relationship... again... I think about the pain and confusion.  I guarded myself from these feelings but perhaps I gave a little more trust away than I thought.  I convince people that my feelings are superficial, I keep the relationship to myself, and I think if I don't let it infiltrate that part of my life that I will convince myself that it won't hurt.  I realize that it still hurts.  When it is all over you're left in the wake of a disaster... trying to put the pieces back together again.

When it's all over... was there another piece of trust that has been lost?

In the last few years several pieces of trust have been lost.  Sending the confusion of another failed relationship hurtling toward the worst.  Was I ignored because you found someone else?  Did you delete the Facebook photos of you because you like the girl you were photographed with?  When you say you never stopped liking me, are you feeding me lies?

What should I believe?  What should I trust?  Should I miss this person, or hate them?

I want to hate them, parts of me do.  Other parts of me know that there are two sides to every story.  In the past I have learned the truth of the other side of the story and I wished I had never known, never had the suspicions of cheating confirmed.  Do I want to know if he moved on?  Facebook never provided evidence that he and I were in a relationship and can just as easily never provide evidence of another woman.

Would he tell me his feelings for me have never changed when they have?  Would he think that would help me?  Make him feel better?  Am I over thinking this again?

How can things go from so good to non-existent so quickly?  Why does distance make people insane?  And how can good memories erase the bad ones, and vise-versa, so easily?

I don't understand what went so wrong.  I generally blame myself for everything, but this time I don't know what I did.  What do I need to fix?  All of a sudden he didn't want to talk, I was clear how it made me feel, yet he still didn't talk to me.  I stopped talking to him in hope that he would understand... but it was futile.

He mentioned the "If you love something set it free, and if it comes back it was meant to be" philosophy.  Does this apply when things end in confusion, anger, and sadness?  When there are questions if he stopped liking me or have moved on, how would this apply?

I have no more energy to hold these thoughts.  Sleep alludes me.  Answers bring hope and pain.... and are not generally found anyway.  That is all I have for now.

"I walk in circles but I'll never figure out
What I mean to you, do I belong
I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong
And I feel so helpless here
Watch my eyes are filled with fear
Tell me do you feel the same
Hold me in your arms again"
~ Ellie Goulding