This Heart will Start a Riot in Me

So... I have been doing a lot of thinking again.

I am left wondering how someone can make you so happy and so sad all at the same time.

What happened to the good ol' days (3 months ago) where talking to someone put a giant smile on my face?  Now it's like I'm making someone a priority when they only make me an option... again.

How can I melt when I confront them with my frustrations?

Are these my walls speaking?

Or is it my common sense trying to talk to me over my heart?

Am I letting my heart drown out reality?

Do I just enjoy pain too much?

Because it seems that is all I do is open myself up to get hurt.

I think I need to learn when to give up.

I just don't know how something that felt so right,

Can feel so wrong sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I could see into the future and see why I go through all this.

What's Wrong With Me These Days

I'm still feeling rather unsure these days.
I don't know what's going on with my life.
I can't get a job, and I'm feeling unattractive.
This combo is not a very good thing.

I have been thinking about my past relationships.  I am wondering why I go from one to the next.  I'm never really looking but something falls in my lap and I take it. 

I never used to think I was the kind of person who always needed to be in a relationship but I am realizing that is how I've been.  I have been "involved" with someone almost constantly since I broke up with my ex.  I didn't even try for this to happen and I don't know how it happened.

I know I have healed from my ex but some baggage from the last year still exists.  I am still very hurt from the way I have been treated and so scared to get hurt again.  I find myself almost always second guessing my relationship issues when I am alone.  I don't know if there is a reason for it or if I am just being stupid.  Is it because who I am involved with now really isn't right for me or is it because my past is haunting me?

I also wonder if I just don't know when to give up.  I hate giving up and when I put effort into something I am not quick to just let it go.  This burned me with David and I wonder if I am doing it again. 

So this makes me ask myself... am I over thinking this because of my baggage and are all of my doubts because I'm scared?  I just don't know.  Am I right to be thinking this or am I sabotaging myself?  And... should a person my age really have such extreme baggage?  I just can't imagine going through any of it again.

That's it for now... I think I've been confusing enough for one post. 

Venom in my Skin

 Right now is one of those times where I have had too many hours to sit alone and think.  So one season of “How I Met Your Mother” and two pints of Ben and Jerry’s later I wonder…

Should I quit while I am ahead?  

My last “relationship” has left me scarred and insecure.  So to learn from my mistakes should I stop trying to make things happen or should I quit before I’m drug around and left like my feelings never mattered?  

Am I just being an insecure mess right now?

I just want to feel like someone thinks about me as much as I think about them.  In the last 6 months my desire for this feeling has only intensified… and so have my insecurities.  

Why would any guy want to be with me when there are so many other girls out there?  Why would any guy want to be with someone that is as much of a mess as I am?

I am sure I have a sign on my head that says “easy target.”  I trust people to quickly and in turn get hurt.  I guard myself but definitely not enough.  I let people in and begin to do everything I can to make them happy without consideration for myself.  It makes me happy to see other people happy, but I disregard the fact that I give them the perfect opportunity to use me.

I really think that this could be a good quality and I don’t really want to change this about me however I have been too hurt to do it again.  Some things are harder to bounce back from than others and I am realizing that more and more as each day passes.  I can’t help but ask myself how I opened up like this again after everything I have been through since last Thanksgiving? I tend to believe in fate and karma.  What did I ever do to deserve this?  I haven’t made all the right decisions, but what have I done to karma for her to be such a bitch?

Hello Stranger

I know I have not posted in quite a while!  

I gotta get a post written for July because it has been almost a month since my last post!

I really have not had too much weighing on my mind so the therapy session has not been as needed.

My summer has been pretty uneventful.  I found out that the last jerk that mangled my emotions had also been f***ing other chicks when he would go out without me.  I cried a little over this information but this dude does not deserve any more of my tears.  I still would like to take a little revenge on him but I don't think anything would phase him.  Just gotta push further past this bad experience and learn from it. 

Through this experience I think I have met a really great guy.  He had been flirting with me back when I was seeing "Mr. Douche" but he had a girlfriend and the last thing I needed was more confusion.  Just when I thought I had pushed him away enough he broke through my security barrier and we have been spending a lot of time together since.  I am still very afraid of getting hurt again.  But my recent experiences have taught me to further disregard what people think of me so that I can put my feelings (closer to being) ahead of others.  I need to have a back bone and stop caring about how others are going to feel and be more concerned about how I am going to feel.  So far I think it is working pretty well.

I now get to look at other people's relationships and realize that I have learned so much.  Even through the hurt I have become a more knowledgeable person and I have grown through the messed up drama I dealt with.  An added bonus is I have come to find out that people were truly entertained by my stories about my messed up love life.  I enjoy adding a humorous spin so it is now likened to watching Jersey Shore... because people realized that their drama wasn't quite as bad as mine.  I'm glad I have a good sense of humor and can relate my stories for people to be entertained.  I was watching Sex and the City the other day... I wish I could write like "Carrie Bradshaw" because I'm sure I could write an amazing column on relationships.

Moving on... My diploma came in the mail this week.  It went to my parent's house so I will get it this weekend when they come through to go to Minnesota.  When I get it I'll put up a pic on facebook.  This is just reminding me that my Grad program starts soon!  I'm kind of afraid of what the homework load is going to be but excited to be done with school in just 2 more years.  I look back on the past 4 and all of the amazing people that have been a part of my life.  Sometimes it seems like just yesterday I moved into the Freshman dorms and began living life without my parents... however sometimes it seems like ages ago.  A new chapter of my life is about to begin and I am excited to see how it is written (hopefully there will be a job written in there pretty quick!). 

Other than that I don't have much to write about.  I have been reading Harry Potter lately.  Just about to start the 5th book.  I am sad that the last movie is out and the end of an era is over.  Such an entertaining series and the books are so much more detailed than the movies!  I can't believe I am just starting to read them now!

I was hoping this post would take up more of my shift but alas... I still have 45 min of boredom.  I'll try to write more often.  I just don't know what to write about.

Distant

This is going to be a short one... I'd rather be reading my Harry Potter book than online.  *GASP*

Since my sister text me yesterday telling me that I haven't text her since June 1st I have been wondering WTF I've been doing lately.  I kind of feel like I had my head so far up my ass lately and now I kind of feel like I'm on cloud 9.  I think I need to re-connect with people but when I try to think of something during the day there is nothing that I can do because every one is at work!  I just do nothing all day then.  I've been so bored and distant that I have no clue what is even going on with my family.  That is not acceptable.  And I don't have an explanation.  I really am not sure why I've just kind of been a hermit... It might be summer mode of "no one is around."  I think that because I'm usually at home with very few friends and just my parents to hang out with... I am THAT cool.

Back to reading... 

and figuring out why I've been so distant.

Set Fire to the Rain

So... I'm suuuper bored and thinking that I haven't posted in a very long time.

I have had a lot of time on my hands to sit around and do nothing, so my brain hasn't been working a whole lot lately.  I do some thinking... but mostly I just watch TV.  I still want another job but I have run out of ideas and options to apply.  I applied as a Mold Technician at Phillips Plastics the other day so I am crossing my fingers with that job.  I have some experience with molding so hopefully they will hire me.  I'm kind of sick of this "over qualified" B.S.  I need to pay my bills just like everyone else.  I may have my degree but I am still a student and I need to find a part time job just like all those other students who don't have a degree.  It frustrates me because I see how poor of customer service I can get and think about how this person has a job when I really don't... (I do but not for long and not enough hours).  Ugh.. lame.

I have too much time on my hands.  I spend my days alone sitting on my butt either at work or at home.  There aren't very many people in Menomonie over the summer... at least not many that I really know.  And those who are here have more of a life than I do with a job and friends and stuff.  I need to start working out again.  I'm feeling tubby and lazy.  But instead of working out I sit on my butt more.

There are good things going on in my life too.  Thanks to recent history I don't talk about them often.  I find that it sucks that a stupid person has changed me so much.  I used to be more trusting and now that is ruined.  I second guess things with an edge of mistrust.  I absolutely can't stand the thoughts that go through my head.  It shouldn't be like this.  I used to be comfortable letting the guy I was involved with go to the bar without a second thought.  It kind of shakes my self-confidence, sadly.  Going back and thinking how the last guy could blatantly hit on girls right in front of me gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Now I feel that same feeling when thinking of letting the guy I like out of my sight when drinking.  He hasn't done anything to deserve that mistrust and I tell myself how stupid the thoughts are but they keep streaming through my head.  I just want to trust again... and not get hurt.

That's all for today my friends.  Stay positive! 

Crazier

I am lying in bed finally awake for the first time today.
I was so excited to sleep but now I can't.

I am listening to the songs that made me want to inflict physical pain on the next guy that came into my life.  However, I don't feel like this anymore.  I have come to terms with a few things in the last week:
1.) Being alone is a natural phenomena in my life and I shouldn't hate it so much.

2.) Facing demons tends to (eventually) make things go away.

3.) There are 2 names that can be uttered that still make me physically ill.

4.) I need to let things happen and not over think them...

       a.) This means not trying so hard, which was my downfall last time

       b.) And I can't care what other people are going to think

It is time to take a chill pill... even though having one job working 20 hrs a week was stressing me out it has really helped me calm down.  I've really moved on.  I am sure everyone is sick of listening to my drama... trust me I'm sick of it too.  I have taken what I hope is the last deep breath over the situation and let it go.  I may never know the answer to why I was treated the way I was... however that is in the past and I need to treat it as such (this doesn't mean that I won't knee a certain someone in the junk if given the chance).

My new motto is "Do what makes you happy."  I have been saying this to myself on a daily basis, and don't be surprised if I say it to any of you when you ask for advice.  I had to say it to a friend to come to the realization that I was holding myself back because I was concerned what others would think.  So I'm doing it.  Call me stupid but I'm diving in the deep end and saying: fuck it this is my life, go with the flow, if it doesn't work out the pain will subside.  Life doesn't come with regrets it comes with learning experiences.  If you guard yourself from pain you will also never know true happiness (that sounds profound coming from my head...wow). 

Yeah, there are still ghosts in my closet that I won't share.  Ones that are still being dealt with... it's time for me to give these immature acting individuals the "whatever" shrug and keep doing with my life what I want.  I need to embrace me for who I am.

I am special and awesome.  I really do have a lot to offer if people will get to know me.  Under my exterior is a really laid back cool person.  I may act awkward at times but it's because I want you to like me.  I will never judge you and always provide a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.  I can now boast that I am an honors student and a biker babe too.  I'm not full of myself, I have just come to realize that I need to be confident in my own skin and be me.  Only I can change who I am.  Only I can make myself better.

Happiness here I come.

Listening to:
Crazier by Taylor Swift
Good Life by One Republic

Empty Menom

It has bee quite a while since I posted.
A lot has happened lately.  I graduated from college, been looking for jobs with no luck, and got my motorcycle license. 

I really don't have much to talk about.  I am quite bored here in Menomonie and my thoughts have been keeping me pretty busy.

My dreams lately have been random and vivid.  I had a dream about a certain someone this morning that is leaving me kind of melancholy.  Why do the good memories as well as the bad have to rain on my parade.  I should be really happy right now.  I managed to take an emotionally charged and hellish year and pull enough A's out of it to take my GPA up to a 3.5 and graduate with honors.  Plus I spent my weekend on a motorcycle actually driving it for myself instead of being a passenger!  But, the memories still plague me whether I am awake or sleeping.  I don't know why I can't shake this.  I'm not happy so why can't I move on?  I do plenty of stuff to make myself happy and I don't know what else to do to move on.  I've been sucked dry and I continue to have my joy stolen from me from such a worthless, self-centered individual. 

My failure of a job hunt isn't exactly helping right now either.  I am so stressed about my finances I don't know what to do.  I'm only working about 20 hrs a week this summer and I need to do more with my time and earn more money.  I don't want September to roll around and leave me broke and needing to pay rent.  Besides, it is soooo empty here I might just go crazy.  I wish someone could tell me what I've been doing wrong to not get a basic customer service job with a degree in Psychology.  I think things happen for a reason, I just wish I knew what the reason is behind not being able to a job.  I have bills to pay too!!

In the War of Head Versus Heart....

Well I have a little update for you. 
Should I go with the good news or the bad news first?

Here's the good news:

1.) I finally finished ordering my motorcycle gear and it should be here in a few days!! 
2.) I have 2 job interviews this week : One on Tuesday and the other on Thursday
3.) I will be a college graduate in ONE week!!!!
4.) I will have my motorcycle license in two weeks! 

All very exciting news and it's good that my life is moving up and moving on.  I need it but only time will tell what will happen.  I am very excited for a little bit of change and I cannot wait to get my motorcycle running so I can go out riding! 

And for the bad news:

(Some of you might file it under good news)

The whole boy situation is over.  I reached the end of my rope last weekend.  I never thought that anyone could take so much and leave me with so little.  I have never gone through something like this.  I am still so amazed that I let him get so close and gave him so many chances.  My head and heart are at a war right now because I don't know what to think.  Part of me still thinks that he was genuine part of me thinks that he was using me.  It hurts so bad to know that someone that mattered so much to me did not reciprocate those feelings.  I still think about him all the time and I don't think that he ever thought that much about me.  I have reached the conclusion that he was just a self-centered dick.  I hate that I put so much of my emotional energy into something that had to end like this... end leaving me with nothing.  I just want to move on but the memories still catch me off guard.  My heart hurts and I do my best to keep busy so I don't have to think of him.

So..
Dear future boys,
Leave me alone.  Thanks.

My Head is Going to Explode with Thoughts

The days are passing quickly and graduation is getting closer.  I'm in need of a major motivation boost to get a lot of homework done.  I'm not sure I want to be a graduate yet!  I have a feeling things won't really change anyway because I'm staying at Stout to continue my education.  It is a lot to think about though.  The majority of my friends are leaving me here for the summer and quite a few are never coming back.  That's not a happy thought at all.

My motorcycle class is in 3 weeks and I need gear for that and I know I can't afford it.  Money is such a huge issue.  I miss the days when I could get loans for school and my paychecks reached 6 digits and not my measly one hundred and something odd dollars.  Which brings me to the issue that I need another job for the summer because 20 hours a week is not going to quite cut it.  Maybe I should have gone back to the factory this summer on 2nd shift so I could have Fri/Sat/Sun off again.  Ugh

Next thing on my mind.  Boys.  Really I just keep going back for more.  I'm a little scared I'm going to get hurt again.  Why couldn't he have stepped up like this before?  And how long is this going to last?  Is he going to go back to the way he treated me before?  Every hour that goes by I think he's going back to ignoring me again. 

I really have a lot on my mind.  This is just the best and simplest way I could put it.  The thoughts are just rushing around and overwhelming me!

The Next Step

Ok so the depressed stage is mostly gone... I've reached bitterness.  I'm angry at the whole situation.  He knew that I was already emotionally damaged before we started anything and then he still treated me horribly.  At one point he had dug his grave.  Then when he backed out of the talk that he wanted to have Sunday night after telling me that he "wants to be the man that I deserve" he laid down in that grave and burred himself.  I would really love to just yell at him and just let it all out. 

I just really want answers.  I want to know why he treated me the way he did... no excuses.  I want to know if I ever meant anything to him.  And I want to know if he really wanted things to work out between us.  Mostly, though, I want to know if I meant anything to him.  I put so much energy to just get 'fluffed off' and put on the bottom on the list of priorities. 

I also wonder if he realized how much he meant to me.  Or how much the whole situation messed me up.  I'm moving forward.  I've already sent a text I shouldn't have... but I'm still glad I sent it. He doesn't seem like it has bothered him at all.  Maybe once in a while, but I feel like I was just a toy to him... to string along and be there just in case nothing more fun was available. 

I understand that he is going through something.  I will never intend to make it worse so I will probably never say the things on my mind.  I wish I had a back bone.  I feel like I wasted so much time and energy on him.  I have never tried so hard before nor have I fallen so hard at the end.  I have been damaged before but I was a complete wreck at the end of this... and I am still pretty messed up. 

I wish him all the worst in this life.  If he can't keep me around after 2 months then he isn't going to get ANY girl to stick around.  Good looks only take you so far, being nice can get you so far, but time, effort, and setting your priorities straight are the glue to get everything to stick.  I am the most laid back girl I know and I am very low maintenance.  I know no one who would have even stayed around as long as I did.  So good luck to you buddy!

Plaguing Thoughts

I have only been up for 10 min and I already have 3 more thoughts about this stupid realtionship shit.

1.) I'm sick of being told how great I am and no one backs it in actions.  If I was so great than why do I get treated like shit?
2.) I wonder if people think about me as much as I think about them.  I'm falling apart from everything that is going on and I don't even think that I am on his mind at all.  I fell asleep with him on my mind and woke up with him on my mind.
3.) I think that I just go from crappy to crappier.  I thought I wasn't being treated the way I deserved before... well it has gotten worse.

Like WTF is wrong with me?  Why can't I just give up?  Why do I allow people to treat me like shit?  Why?!?!?!

I just want the same courtesy I show people to be shown to me

The wait for this "talk" is driving me crazy and isn't helping the case at all.  We were supposed to talk Monday or Tuesday... then it gets put off all nonchalant like it isn't on his list of priorities.  Just like the whole "relationship."  I never felt like I made it on the list of priorities.  I just wanna swear and hit something or cry.

I don't know if all this is from one person or if it is the accumulation of shit that has been happening since Thanksgiving.  Either way, I can't believe I'm letting this all get to me like this.

I realize that this conglomeration of thoughts look like I just puked on the page everything on my mind... which I basically did.  I think I should have coffee before posting next time so it is better organized.  I'll post later.

Ugh

Sooooo.... today I feel like shit.
I don't know why today is so much worse than yesterday.  Perhaps the 4 hrs of sleep or the lack of sun.  I really wish that things would resolve.  I'm just trying to be patient but I want this 'talk' to be over.  I just want to go back to bed.  I can't even pay attention in class.  I didn't expect things to be this hard.  I just wanna go away for a while and get this off my mind.  The thoughts plague me and consume me.  I can't seem to do anything that takes this off my mind.  My stomach hurts... constantly.  My face is a crater zone cuz I have broken out so bad.  Why can't this all be over?!?!  Well I don't have anything else to say.  I hope to write something more positive soon!

"It's Complicated"

I'm sorry that I have been so emo lately. 
Relationships just seem to break me down unlike anything else.
I'm caught thinking and over thinking everything... I call it "Aryn Land."
I wish that all of this would stop consuming me and I could be more positive, but I guess that's why I have this blog.  Like I've mentioned before, it is hard for me to talk about my feelings and this blog is my therapy session.

I'm very torn right now.  I know I deserve to be treated better but sometimes that person you want to spend time with needs to spend more time on themselves.  One thing about me is that I jump in with both feet, i might test the waters a little, but then I just jump.  If I'm going to commit to something I am going to do so fully, not half way.  This means that I may have jumped into a relationship that is just not ready for me. 

I did officially break it off on Friday after some new information came to light.  I am pretty sure I talked about that last time I posted.  I then began to break down.  I developed stress-induced hives, lost my apatite, gained a lot of zits, and cried in public.  I decided that I was just falling apart.  I have kind of put myself in check today but I still haven't stopped thinking about it.

I am just not sure what to do at this point.  Many of my close friends tell me that he's just a jerk and that they'll be mad at me if continue anything with him.  There are just things they haven't seen... I have seen the look in his eye when I have serious conversations with him and I have seen just how genuine he can be.  At the same time I have talked to him on different occasions telling him my feelings point blank and nothing has changed.  I don't think I should expect such a change for 2 reasons.  1.) I haven't seen it yet and 2.) because I don't believe that someone should have to change to be with me.  I know change will not happen if the person doing the changing doesn't want to change.  It's hard because we really did have good times together but there are things I can't emotionally deal with anymore.

Ugh this is getting way to personal.  I am going to end here cuz this is just about how deep I can go.  Sweet Dreams.

All the things you never wanted to know

Those things that I said I wasn't going to talk about because they are too personal...
Yeah here they are.

It's not like being alone is foreign to me.  It seems that no matter what I am always alone.  It is just that I had put a lot of effort into this.  I guess this is what I get for putting my heart on the line.  I think it might just be too much to ask to be treated like a princess once in a while.  I am really not asking for much but it seems like a huge task because it doesn't seem like anyone can achieve this. 

In some ways the parts of being a girl that are still apart of me came out in this situation.  I have never been the jealous type before but here I sit wondering why?  Why did I sit at home hoping and waiting you would want to hang out when you were going to someone else's house to drink, watch movies, and cuddle with other girls?  I was right here! 

There are so many things that I wish I would have said to you.  So many things I am feeling.  I tried so hard to pull myself together and make it work.  I kept my feelings in check not to scare you away.  I gave you space.  I know you have been going through shit and I know that I can't be demanding attention when you have other things to deal with.  Part of me regrets every second of yesterday.  I am so torn and I don't even know what to feel right now.  If I didn't want it to work I would have been gone a month ago. 

I have memories and words floating through my head and doing battle.  The memories say, "go back you had fun together."  The words are saying, "he never treated you like a girlfriend."  I just don't know what to do.  Part of me just wants some knight in shining armor to sweep me off my feet.  I know this will never happen.

If you really know me then I will put how I feel in perspective... I don't even want a cup of coffee right now.  That's how bad I feel...

Busy Week

Wow!  I've been really busy this week!!
I have been meaning to post because I have a lot on my mind but I have not had the time to write a meaningful blog.

I had two paper's due this week and stayed up until 7 am on Wednesday to write one.  I actually did homework at work this week!  That's pretty crazy.  On Tuesday I had my grad school orientation and I got to meet my classmates and some of my professors.  I registered for for my first semester of grad school classes and I have a pretty sweet schedule.  I'm done by noon everyday and I have Wednesdays off!  More time to work and pay the rent I guess.  This morning I had a job interview at the University Housing Office.  I am hoping that I can get the position to add to my 20 hrs I will already be working.  I very much want to work 40 hours this summer to make some money.  I will, however, be looking into other employment just in case.  The lady that interviewed me said that she will be getting back to me in the middle of next week so keep your fingers crossed for me!  There is only one position available...

I'm still thinking a lot about my emotional issues.  I try my best to keep it all in check but when I feel used by people I just kind of get depressed.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I continually feel knocked down like I don't matter much.  I have done what I can.  I have given people space and I have been around a lot and nothing seems to matter.  I have waited for almost 2 weeks since talking to one person for them to step up and nothing has changed.  I feel so low it is crazy.  I would be having a much better week if it wasn't for all this shit.  I really did have an amazingly productive week and I just can't seem to climb out of this canyon of negativity.  I don't know why I just haven't given up yet...

On another note... I graduate in a month!  How crazy is that?!?!  I'm not 100% sure what I think of this.  Bitter-Sweet because I'm coming right back to school in the fall anyway, but when I do I will have a bachelor's degree under my belt.  I'll be done in 2 years and I'll have a master's degree.  Kind of makes me feel smart... for once.  Ugh yup the negativity!  Well I'm out.  I'll work on posting more often!

Boo.... In a Bad Way

Sorry I haven't written much lately.
Most of it stems from the fact that everything that has been on my mind is either 1.) Nonexistent because my mind is under stimulated or 2.) Way too personal to post for the world to see.

A lot of the things that were previously on my mind are still there, just intensified.  Then you add senioritis and the lack of motivation... yeah I haven't been up to much lately.

I have spent way too much time by myself lately.  Weird thing is, I have been preferring it.  Quiet solitude to wallow in self pity.  Sounds wonderful doesn't it?

I'm just so sick and tired of putting effort into things and having it be a one way street.  My life has been an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs.  The ups are mostly from things that I do to make myself feel better, something I work on for me.  Why can't someone put as much work into making me feel special as I do for them.  People may not see that I'm giving it an E for effort but I really do think about them a lot.  I am not sure people realize how much I lie down and watch them walk all over me.  Sometimes I wonder if that is my worst quality.

So as I am sitting here hoping that I can get some sleep soon.  I can't help but to have these many things flowing through my head. [[My financial status isn't helping either]]  So I'm feeling kind of depressed and stressed.  I need sleep because I have an exam in the morning which equals more stress.

I'm so sick of putting on a fake smile everyday and living my life with a mask on.  I wish someone made me happy.  Why is it my lot in life to be a people pleaser?  Why can't I turn it off and be selfish?  Actually I don't really need someone to make me feel happy, yes it would be nice.  In fact, I just need to get rid of the people that suck me dry and stomp all over me.  Maybe I should have left Stout to go to a different grad school and move on from the people here.  Unfortunately bottom feeders will always suck you dry and leave you with nothing but shit, and they are everywhere.  I wish that they came with bright lights and sirens, yet when I find them I keep going back for more.  I don't quit easily enough I guess.

With that I'm going to shut up now.  Night peeps.

Update!

I know I haven't written in a while.  Life has hit a bit of a lull. 

I have gotten into grad school and since my motivation for school has gone down hill.  I have been doing a lot of procrastinating this past week.  This week has been weird.  No class on Monday or Wednesday and then having class on Friday and Saturday.  I don't know what day it is!!

I heard from the land lord of the apartment that I want.  I had to apply for an apartment complex, I have never heard of that before.  But I was accepted **happy dance** and I will be signing a lease on Tuesday!!  I feel like a big girl now getting my own place off campus.  The bedroom is such a nice size I am going to get a queen sized bed!!

However with this big girl freedom of having my own place comes financial terror.  I am currently VERY broke.  This motorcycle restoration project probably couldn't have started at a worse time.  I owe more on my credit card than I am going to have in my account when this bill rolls around.  Plus I have to worry about a security deposit and rent.  I'm going on the job hunt soon.  I feel bad putting the extra strain on my parents but it helps to know that they are there to support me when I need it.

The motorcycle project has kind of hit a road block.  There are carburetor issues that my dad and I do not really know how to fix so we are waiting for a manual to come in and he is going to tinker with it for a while.  I know it will get finished but I am at the end of my budget and haven't bought the gear yet.  Giving it some time here now.

As far as my male situation that has been disrupting my life.  Biggest realization I have come to is that I need to learn how to trust someone again.  I have hit a calm in my emotional tornado of thoughts on this.  Things haven't changed much except for my attitude.  I'm taking a little more charge and being more proactive.  My expectations are lower and I think that is kind of unfortunate.  I'm a little more laid back about the feelings now.  Some things bother me and there are things that I can't change or ask someone else to change.  We will see how this goes from now on.  I am being very patient and I really am not in much of a hurry to be in a relationship.  I might be cocky but my confidence is uplifted and my cockiness is helping me to get on with this in a way I need to.  It is still on my mind but not like before.  Time will only tell.

Motorcycle!!!!

Update!!

On Saturday my dad and I got the motorcycle running with primarily a new battery and some new gas.  The carburetors were leaking fuel at first but after we had the bike running for a while they stopped... hopefully it stays that way.  It was off to a rough start with the backfiring and the fact it didn't want to idol, but the main point here is that it runs!!!  After that we drained the oil and struggled to get the oil filter cover off, so we ordered a new bolt for the cover so we are waiting for the new bolt to come in before we put the new oil and filter in.  Right now I am waiting for that bolt, an air filter, and the front tire to ship and we'll get started on some more repairs.  We need to bleed the break lines and put new break fluid in.  I think after that we are going to take it for a ride!  She needs a lot of elbow grease and polishing to add the finishing touches, oh and we need to get a new back tire.  All in all she hasn't been too suborn, as long as the carbs are done leaking.

I have been shopping for some gear and I think I have reached a final decision on what to get.

I like this jacket:
The top is leather and I think the light striping will make me more visible, especially if it is dark out.

It also has some of the best armor available in the elbows, shoulders, and back.

Other nice features are the removable liner, vents, and that it is water proof.

For $80 it's pretty much all I'm looking for, I just hope it doesn't look too bulky on.

 Then I like this helmet:
After trying on many helmets I decided I like the 3/4 or open face.

On this one the visor is removable.  I also get a clear and a tinted visor so I have options.

Plus I like the little pink accents, gives me a little girl power in a male dominated activity.

 I'm a huge fan of the look of the flat black and there are quite a few vents which will be nice on hot days.


I haven't bought yet, once the bike is on the road I will order what I need.

Until then I am looking into taking a riding class.  I think this would be the smartest move.  Right now I can register for a weekend course the weekend after I graduate at the end of May.  I am going to see if there is anything that will be available in April to take closer to school.

I'm just excited to get it running, have a license/temps, and get it to school to ride with my friends!!

Looking Up

This week was quite the roller coaster.

I did quite a bit of eating my feelings because I hit quite the low this week.

However that has been made up for.  Went out Friday night with some great friends, slept in a little and woke up to the best news.  I got accepted into grad school!!  **Big sigh of relief**  Now I am officially on Spring Break and I am finally home for the first time in months!  I was excited to crawl into my comfy bed which is so much better than the dorm beds!  I walk into my room and what is waiting for me?  The newest book by Harlan Coben, my favoritest author ever!!  This rounds up my collection of his books to 10.  I feel like such a nerd but if you like murder/mystery these books are intense.  I'm serioussly debating reading or watching Prison Break.  I haven't decided yet.

To make things better... as if they could... tomorrow when I wake up I'm going to be working on my motorcycle after a home made breakfast.  You know it is the little things in life that really make me happy.  So what I'm not going anywhere special for Spring Break.  I am just glad to be home with the people I love.  I'm looking forward to a very relaxing week.  After this week I am looking forward to apartment hunting.  This will be a new and exciting experience that I get to share with a very good friend.  I have already found one place that is close to campus and is a good possibility. 

One thing that may not be relaxing... I think I may need to hit up the clinic to see what is up with my knee.  I went running over a week ago and my knee is still bothering me.  It isn't really getting any better, just seems to be getting worse.  I don't know if I think it is getting worse just because I am extremely annoyed by the constant pain.  But, if I go to the clinic maybe I can get some Vicodin... until then I will settle for a knee brace and some beer. 

Well I think it is time to start reading my new book!  And then watch Prison Break (which is my new fav show since I finished Supernatural).  I made a decision not to have to decide between the two.  Have a good one readers!

Graduation

Whoo what a day!  I am totally exhausted.  I had my interview for grad school and I was so psyched out about it when I was finished and calmed down I totally crashed.  I could go for a nap!  I think I did pretty well.  I tried to answer all the questions very thoroughly as well as short and sweet.  Then they asked me to tell them a little bit about myself that they didn't already know.  I blanked.  Like what kind of information did they want?!  I guess I will know in one to two weeks whether I made a good enough impression.  I'm not too worried about it right now but I might be later when I'm not so sleepy.

After my interview I went to the graduation fair and bought my cap and gown!!  Aaah the smell of graduation is in the air!!  I'm getting closer to what I would like to call freedom, but I am going back to school so it is kind of bitter sweet.  

If I get accepted into grad school I will be spending most of April apartment and job hunting.  If I don't get accepted... anyone know the name of any good National Guard recruiters?  This is really a scary position to be in.  My life as I know it is ending in May!!  And as of right now I have no clue what is going to happen.  I'm too much of a control freak to not know what I am going to be doing in like 2 months! 

It is time to embark on a new chapter in my life.  I'm ready for the ride I just feel the need to start planning already!!

Past Meet Present

I do have a past.

I have been used.

I do not like bringing my past into my present.

I have learned from my mistakes.

The past is always a learning experience.  Hindsight is 20/20.  I like to keep the past in the past, but there are things that I have learned that cannot be ignored.  I have been treated like a piece of ass before instilling in me an air of extreme caution.  It is hard to know when you are getting 'played' and that's why it happens.  Sadly that causes me to bring these injuries into my present.

Sometimes I have to be reminded to:

Be myself because those who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

I wish I wasn't this way.  I wish things that have happened in my past could just go away.  I know what it is like to be treated poorly and I don't want to be the fool that goes back again.  I am learning more patience right now.  However, it is not going to last long.  I am trying to redefine my schema on dating because perhaps the last relationship moved too fast.  There is something amiss here and I am hitting that caution point. 

Not every person is the same and I wish I did not have the past I did so I could look at this from a more whimsical side.  But I do have my past.  I wish I didn't have to pull my past into this, but I am.

I have walls built for a reason.  These walls get stronger after every wrong turn on the road of life.  Once these walls are reached I shut down.  I stand looking at the wall looking for a way around.  Do I turn back?  Do I find a new road?  Perhaps there is someone on the other side tearing down the wall.  Right now if someone doesn't show me the way around I will be turning back and finding a new path.

The road of life is bumpy and sometimes there are dead ends.  Every wrong or right turn teaches you something about yourself.  I am who I am because of my experiences.  I just hope that the new experience I am embarking on doesn't cause me to build more walls.

Emo

Sorry I haven't written in a few days.

I had a very busy and fun filled weekend.

Maybe it was the crazy emotional high I was on over the weekend, but I'm feeling a little depressed today.  It took me quite  few hours to come to the conclusion that I am just in a bad mood.  So many things could explain it but I haven't felt like this in a quite a while.  I don't know if it is because my knee has kept me from going to the gym in 3 days or maybe the lack of sun.  However, I am curled up in my chair with my blanket being anti-social.  I dislike being this way.  When I'm in these moods this isn't the me I like to be.  Even the ice cream didn't help.  Right now all I wanna do is take a nap, but I can't.  Bah!  Stupid depression crap.  Basically everything sucks right now.  I swear at me knee, eat too much and get mad at myself for it.  I guess it is just going to be a night in.  Probably time for some sort of comedy or good feeling kind of movie.  

Some random words for laughter:

Genius Tips for Picking Up Chicks!

1.  Naked is as naked does.

2.  If at first you don't succeed, try again, and again, and again.  All it takes is one to say yes.

3.  Look for women with an ugly friend.  Then surprise them by hitting on the ugly friend.

4.  Borrow someone's baby and bring it to the bar.  Ladies love babies.

5.  Lower your standards.  Really low.

Enjoy your evening and stay positive!

P.S.  Supernatural is like the best show ever!

Things

Today's topic:

Things are what you make of them. 

I started thinking about this on Valentine's Day because I hate the 'holiday' and I was going to do everything I could to make it a good day.  Sometimes it is the little things in life that you have to set your hopes on and make it fun.  Yesterday I was really tired, but I made really good coffee and watched Tom and Jerry.  I had a wonderful time even though I was doing homework and over thinking things.  If you approach a situation with a negative attitude you will typically get a negative outcome. 

My Spring Break plans have fallen through leaving me with a very nice tan in March.  At first I was really disappointed but I decided to make the best of it and now I am so excited about getting my motorcycle running.  Working on a motorcycle is no where near as thrilling as going to Cancun but I may just be more exited about it than I was when I was going to Mexico. 

Some things in my life are happening that I am unhappy about the lack of control I have.  However, I am doing my best to dwell on the really wonderful things that have happened encompassing the situations.  This makes the bad seem hazy in comparison. 

Not to say that I never have a bad day.  Sometimes you have to take things in stride.  In fact I am currently trying to do that, but last night was so fun I am still living off that.  My mind is kind of swimming right now.  So before I change the topic and go off on a different rant I will end here.  Stay positive!

It Is What It Is

So going back to what I was talking about the other day.  I didn't mention anything yesterday because I was on cloud 9 and nothing could bring me down.  Today I'm a little more contemplative.  It is in my nature to over think things and this is no exception.  I think the only thing I can do right now is not fret about it.  I can't let a thing like this bring me down so I am taking an 'oh well' approach.  I have taken account of the good a little more and I have some theories about the whole story.  It is what it is and I just have to roll with the punches and keep on living my life.  If this thing doesn't work out then I just have to be ready to move on.  I need to be me no matter what and I'm ready to do that right now.  If I never let anything in life happen I will go on regretting what could have been.  Until I know the outcome of this story I am going to continue just doing what I need/want to do for me.  Time will tell. 

The thing is I just don't like living in uncertainty.  I'm the 'grab life by the horns' kind of girl and I like to 'get er done!' Sitting around waiting for someone else is not my kind of thing.  However, patience is a virtue and you can never get enough lessons in patience.  So I will take this as a learning experience and either learn by reward or learn by my mistakes.  Shit happens and sometimes you just gotta eat it. 

I'm a little tired and all these analogies and cliches are seeming appropriate at this time, sorry if you find them annoying. 

Last thing I have to say: I hope I didn't practice my self control for nothing.  I will go to bed with my cheetos and nothing more.  Goodnight friends... stay positive. 

Good Day

Today has been an all together good day.  Woke up at 8:30 and hit the gym for about an hour.  My knees are in pain but I'm excited that I was able to run a 10 minute mile and I really don't think I've ever done that before.  I was never really involved in any endurance sports that forced me to push myself like that.  After I went to the gym I had eggs and oatmeal for breakfast and with the sun shining I was in a very good mood.  I was glad all my roommates were gone because I walked around our room blasting my music and singing.  I went tanning and got to use my new tanning lotion, went to class, and now we are here.  I am at work and should be doing some homework.  Instead I'm talking to you and eating my tuna and salsa wrap.  Being healthy makes me feel so much better... well except for my stupid knees, but they will get over it.  In fact I'm almost ready for another run.

I just have one class left for the rest of the week.  I have 'Relaxation' at 2:30 tomorrow and that's it.  So difficult!  Just a little homework to do for this week and then 'Relaxation' homework due next Tuesday.  Getting closer to Spring Break!  Getting closer to a week of me being a grease monkey!  I'm excited to learn more about engines and pull apart my motorcycle to get it running again!!!!  I'm so ready to ride and have the wind blowing through my hair!  We'll see how good I am at driving the big old 1980 Yamaha 850 Special.

Last night I had a dream that I was biking on the trail again.  I have spring fever something fierce! I'm ready to get out and spend time outside again!  Running or biking on the trail sounds like a more appealing cardio work out than being on the treadmill again.

I realize this post is very shallow but I'm in such a bubbly mood today that I don't really have anything deep to talk about.  Stay positive!!  Listen to some Breaking Benjamin... they are my band of the day!

Sane Psycho

Today I feel just about as confused as I did last night.  Luckily I was tired enough when I went to bed at one to just zonk out otherwise I could have been up until 5 thinking.  I really dislike the fact that I think so much and over think things.  Sometimes I wish the answers in life were a little bit easier.  I want to be happy, but why does this happiness seem to come at a cost? I feel right now I'm left with more questions than answers and that the answers to my questions are so distant.

I hate sitting around waiting for life.  I have much better things to do with my free time... and in last night's case, not so free time.  I'm willing to do what it takes.  I just don't know what it is that I need to do.  I have been out of practice with this new beginnings thing for 3 years, am I just over thinking this?  A little discussion is all that it would take to clear up my questions, but the opportunity to have this discussion hasn't presented itself. Red flags are flying right now.  This isn't where I wanted this to be.  My extreme caution right now is telling my fight or flight response to start running.  My sense of reason tells me to let it play out just a little longer.  I may just have to rely on my fall back motto of: somethings do or don't happen for a reason. 

The last thing I need right now is to lose another friend.  Sometimes this sh*t is just so consuming.  I shouldn't be so crazy about this right now.  I want to just let it slide but I just don't know what's going on and that drives me insane. I can see I am being "that psycho girl" and that's not the way I want to be.  The good outweighs the bad, but the bad is what is on my mind right now!  I have just hit a wall of uncertainty.  I guess it is bound to happen.

I just want to know that there is someone out there who is thinking of me just as much as I am thinking about them.

And on that note.  I must get back to my homework.  I give a presentation in an hour and I'm not done with it yet.  Once this day is over I'll be feeling a lot better.  I will only have 2 classes left for the rest of this week and the only homework I have is for my "relaxation" class.  

To all my wonderful readers, stay positive!

Happy Monday

Sorry about the lack of posting yesterday.
I was super tired and kind of cranky.
I have so much due tomorrow and a lot on my mind.
Tomorrow can't be done faster.

Anywho... I am excited to be turning over a new leaf.

It is time to be concerned with my own happiness.  I am sick of making sure everyone else is happy and letting their happiness define mine.  I have finally stopped taking the blame for everything and I'm over it.  I'm sick of the drama and waiting around hoping that these situations will resolve.  Sorry but you gotta deal with me... like me or not.  I can't take the blame for everything!!  If you have a problem with me talk to me about it instead of ignoring it and blowing up at me.  It is time for me to take care of me!  I want to be happy.  That said.  I am putting it behind me.  If you want to bring it up I will no longer be nice and I will tell you to just 'get over it!'  or tell you to delete my phone number.

This weekend may have been busy but I think it left me with the biggest smile I've had on my face in a long time.  I'm glad to be making me happy again.  I'm still working on me, I'm not totally redefining the wheel, but my healthy living kick is still in full swing and I'm looking to lose a few pounds.  I am also attempting to not ever think things and be better at communication.  I'm striving to be the best me I can be and put my best foot forward.

Well homework is calling.  Once again, when tomorrow is over I will feel so much better. 
Stay positive peeps!

Not Enough Sleep!!!

Getting up at 7:30 in the morning on a Saturday is absolutely no fun.
I treated myself to a non-fat white mocha at Caribou :)
I am looking forward to a nap when class is over this afternoon.  

I was able to take my own advice and communicate my feelings last night.
It felt great to get some stuff off my chest.
I am trying something new and we'll see where it goes from here.
Excited and nervous all at the same time.

I really wish I had cell phone reception right now.
And another cup of coffee.

I think that it has taken me like 3 hours to write this blog.
I'm in such a haze and I don't have much to talk about (for real this time).
So I am going to let you go. I apologize for not having much to say.
Have a good one.  Stay positive!

Bored Rant

Weekend class.... sooooo bored. 

To make it better I am in a dead zone with no cell phone reception.

I don't have much to talk about today.

I am proud of myself that I have been doing well with my diet and working out this week.  I am excited because I have lost about 2-3 pounds this week already!  I feel completely vain today because the only thing that I have completed other than being in class was working out and tanning.  I even put facebook on hold *gasp* to work on my outward appearance.  I guess sometimes it is good to pamper yourself.  I always feel better after putting a little extra time into my appearance.  Call me vain, I don't care, in fact I was singing "You're so Vain" in the mirror this morning when I was getting ready for class.  I find it amusing that I will probably be more tan in February than I will be all summer!  My tan would be perfect if I was truly going to Mexico next week. 

Talking about working out.  I have missed it!  I'm so glad I am not as busy as I was last semester.  I am finally lifting again and my muscles hurt and it feels good (not to sound masochistic or anything).  I went once today and I'm ready to go again.  The endorphins are giving me energy and putting me in an all together good mood.  I wish I would have worked out more last semester when I was so stressed.

In fact I have been thinking about the loss of relationships that I went through last semester quite a bit lately.  I'm over the people that caused the hurt but the situations still kind of get to me.  I realized this week that there are many things that I have been able to set aside but there are aspects that I haven't placed coping mechanisms for, things that don't come up very often.  I had a week of contemplating some of these things and it has been very healing.  

One thing that has started this wave of thought occurred when I was talking to a friend about loss of relationships and I said "I'm over this guy" and she said "No you're not."  In fact this could be a controversial definition.  I don't think about him or miss him, I do call him inappropriate names from time to time.  In my opinion 99% of the time he doesn't even cross my mind so I am over him.  There are the occasions that I still call him  "fuck face" so looking at that 1% of time, maybe I'm not over it.  I think I am.  Good enough for me!

So much for not having much to say.  I am currently finding this cleansing because talking about divorce and loss of relationship in this class is kind of agitating.  Loss is hard no matter if it is a long-term relationship or a friendship, or even a loss within the family.  It takes time to get over it.  Staying positive is key.  Thankfully my healing process has almost come to a complete circle and I think I am ready to put the past behind me.  I may have thought this before, but I have learned better and I am starting to ignore my past and step forward.

I want to thank you all for your support and the positive reactions to my blog.  This is a nice therapy session for me to ramble on about things on my mind.  Good day to you!

Make New Friends but Keep the Old

I love friends.  Having friends makes my life complete and my world go around.  Lately I have been participating in "Bad Movie Night" with the guys I used to spend most of my time with back in my freshman year of college.  It has been really great seeing them again and reconnecting with them.

Today, I received a complement from one of my friends from freshman year.  To some it may not be a compliment but it just goes to show how good of a friend he is.  It also shows how well he knows me that he felt comfortable saying to me, "You are Wonderfully Weird."   I prefer to be a little abnormal, normal is just so overrated. This might just be the best compliment of the day!

Coming closer to graduation it is really hitting me how many of my friends will no longer be around.  One of my close guy friends is all pumped about going into the Navy.  I think it is a wonderful decision but this has really gotten me thinking about how I am going to feel when all these people leave.  This provides me a wonderful opportunity to learn how to keep in contact.  I do my best and lately I have been working hard at connecting with the many groups of friends that I have been blessed to be apart of these past 3 1/2 years of college.  When all is said and done, who I am still in contact with a year from now will really show me who my true friends are.  I still find it a little saddening that I will not be able to see them when I want. 

Even this post is making me kind of depressed. I understand there are many people out there and I will make more friends, but I don't think I have ever had as good of friends as I have in college.  Living so close to people in the dorms really creates a special bond.  You go to dinner together almost all the time, go to the gym together, and know who to call when you are bored and then you don't even have to go outside to see them.  

So for those who are leaving after this year, don't forget me.  If I don't come back here for grad school next year, I will never forget you.  I thank my friends for being in my life.  It will be an adjustment for me to move on but these are memories that will last a lifetime.

Pick Up the Phone!!

 Lately I have been thinking and discussing one little topic and my conclusion:

Communication is Key

I do not care how trivial or serious this communication is, but it is very important.  Human beings are made to be social individuals and language is part of this socialization.  I have come to the realization that everyone feels special when they receive a text message from someone they don't get to see very often.  I have been wrapped up in my own thoughts lately and I was reminded by a very good friend that I should text her more often - just to say hi.  I have even noticed that not receiving a text back when you expect it makes me wonder: where is this text?  Why isn't this person texting me back?  Yes, this is a part of communication that you should maybe think about a little bit more once in a while.  Send someone a text that you haven't talked to in a while.  Remember: The phone works both ways, don't sit around waiting for someone to contact you.

Getting a little deeper.  The lack of communication is almost detrimental to any relationship.  I am guilty of this lack of communication.  There are times where I forget to let people know that I am thinking about them or relay the frustrations I have with them.  Emotionally charged conversations are very difficult for me to start even when I have something serious to say.  I am hoping that this blog helps me get out some of my feelings and help me communicate better.  However, when I was in both of my past relationships, they suffered because I could not bring myself to tell the individual that I was displeased about something serious.  If someone cannot effectively communicate in their relationships, put up the caution sign because something is bound to explode.  Even with my mom I let my feelings bottle up until what could have been a civilized conversation turns into an argument.  Lack of communication can cause failure.  It is something that needs to be recognized and worked on.

There are things I wish I could go back and say out loud or state more clearly.  Part of me feels like I put a lot of thought into this post and I still didn't get out everything that I meant to.  I'm sure you get the point.  I think I'd have to go into more depth about personal things than I want to here, or really need to think about.  The past is in the past and should be treated as such.  

I am just happy that I am starting to open myself up to new possibilities and recognizing faults and learning from past experiences.  In some ways I hope I didn't blow my chances due to this lack of communicating my feelings.  If I did I might not be so open to new possibilities again.  We will see.  My heart is nervous right now.  I'm sure you'll know when I do about the outcome of my new "open" self.  Even that involves conversation and placing my thoughts and feelings in front of someone and apologizing for my lack of communication.

 

Until then, text someone you have been close with to say hi or send them a facebook message saying "I've been thinking about you."  This is actually really important to people, even if you don't think about it.

I have decided that posting in the morning is not a good idea, I think about too much other stuff between then and the end of the night.  This means I have to curse you with two posts in one day.  It is time to go to bed and watch some Supernatural.  I have a lot of homework to get done this week!  Stay positive!

Morning!

Good Morning! 

I just want to start off by saying thank you for reading.

For me this is just therapy whether anyone reads it or not.

A little shout out to my old roommate  "Quack Quack Meow."  It's supposed to make you smile.

Today is going to be a busy day.  I even have to skip class for an advisory bored meeting.  Whoever thought of putting me on a board to make decisions for an entire program was not thinking clearly.  I am flattered that I was asked and we will see how this meeting goes.  

I'm writing early today to keep this from distracting me from my homework.  I just realized today that the things I thought were due in two weeks are really due next week.  I will actually have to do homework this week, it is surprising.  Thank you Senioritis for helping me slack from getting things done in advance.  If any of you feel the need to yell at me to do my homework within this next week feel more than free to give me a little push. 

My mood has definitely changed in the last few days.  The sunshine today helps a lot!  I think I have made a decision about my little "To be or not to be" rant.  I think it is time for me to just have fun and stop over thinking everything. 

I have a short list of things that I work on changing within myself.  

#1 I wish I could get rid of my insecurities.  I think I'm silly for having them because they are just useless little things. 

#2 I over think everything.  I wish there were times that I could just turn off my brain!

#3 I have trouble talking about my emotions.  This makes my personal life a little harder, it hurts my mom's feelings, and it doesn't help my relationships. 

Have a good day everyone. 

I gotta end here because it is time to work on some homework.