This Heart will Start a Riot in Me

So... I have been doing a lot of thinking again.

I am left wondering how someone can make you so happy and so sad all at the same time.

What happened to the good ol' days (3 months ago) where talking to someone put a giant smile on my face?  Now it's like I'm making someone a priority when they only make me an option... again.

How can I melt when I confront them with my frustrations?

Are these my walls speaking?

Or is it my common sense trying to talk to me over my heart?

Am I letting my heart drown out reality?

Do I just enjoy pain too much?

Because it seems that is all I do is open myself up to get hurt.

I think I need to learn when to give up.

I just don't know how something that felt so right,

Can feel so wrong sometimes.

Sometimes I wish I could see into the future and see why I go through all this.

What's Wrong With Me These Days

I'm still feeling rather unsure these days.
I don't know what's going on with my life.
I can't get a job, and I'm feeling unattractive.
This combo is not a very good thing.

I have been thinking about my past relationships.  I am wondering why I go from one to the next.  I'm never really looking but something falls in my lap and I take it. 

I never used to think I was the kind of person who always needed to be in a relationship but I am realizing that is how I've been.  I have been "involved" with someone almost constantly since I broke up with my ex.  I didn't even try for this to happen and I don't know how it happened.

I know I have healed from my ex but some baggage from the last year still exists.  I am still very hurt from the way I have been treated and so scared to get hurt again.  I find myself almost always second guessing my relationship issues when I am alone.  I don't know if there is a reason for it or if I am just being stupid.  Is it because who I am involved with now really isn't right for me or is it because my past is haunting me?

I also wonder if I just don't know when to give up.  I hate giving up and when I put effort into something I am not quick to just let it go.  This burned me with David and I wonder if I am doing it again. 

So this makes me ask myself... am I over thinking this because of my baggage and are all of my doubts because I'm scared?  I just don't know.  Am I right to be thinking this or am I sabotaging myself?  And... should a person my age really have such extreme baggage?  I just can't imagine going through any of it again.

That's it for now... I think I've been confusing enough for one post. 

Venom in my Skin

 Right now is one of those times where I have had too many hours to sit alone and think.  So one season of “How I Met Your Mother” and two pints of Ben and Jerry’s later I wonder…

Should I quit while I am ahead?  

My last “relationship” has left me scarred and insecure.  So to learn from my mistakes should I stop trying to make things happen or should I quit before I’m drug around and left like my feelings never mattered?  

Am I just being an insecure mess right now?

I just want to feel like someone thinks about me as much as I think about them.  In the last 6 months my desire for this feeling has only intensified… and so have my insecurities.  

Why would any guy want to be with me when there are so many other girls out there?  Why would any guy want to be with someone that is as much of a mess as I am?

I am sure I have a sign on my head that says “easy target.”  I trust people to quickly and in turn get hurt.  I guard myself but definitely not enough.  I let people in and begin to do everything I can to make them happy without consideration for myself.  It makes me happy to see other people happy, but I disregard the fact that I give them the perfect opportunity to use me.

I really think that this could be a good quality and I don’t really want to change this about me however I have been too hurt to do it again.  Some things are harder to bounce back from than others and I am realizing that more and more as each day passes.  I can’t help but ask myself how I opened up like this again after everything I have been through since last Thanksgiving? I tend to believe in fate and karma.  What did I ever do to deserve this?  I haven’t made all the right decisions, but what have I done to karma for her to be such a bitch?