The Next Step

Ok so the depressed stage is mostly gone... I've reached bitterness.  I'm angry at the whole situation.  He knew that I was already emotionally damaged before we started anything and then he still treated me horribly.  At one point he had dug his grave.  Then when he backed out of the talk that he wanted to have Sunday night after telling me that he "wants to be the man that I deserve" he laid down in that grave and burred himself.  I would really love to just yell at him and just let it all out. 

I just really want answers.  I want to know why he treated me the way he did... no excuses.  I want to know if I ever meant anything to him.  And I want to know if he really wanted things to work out between us.  Mostly, though, I want to know if I meant anything to him.  I put so much energy to just get 'fluffed off' and put on the bottom on the list of priorities. 

I also wonder if he realized how much he meant to me.  Or how much the whole situation messed me up.  I'm moving forward.  I've already sent a text I shouldn't have... but I'm still glad I sent it. He doesn't seem like it has bothered him at all.  Maybe once in a while, but I feel like I was just a toy to him... to string along and be there just in case nothing more fun was available. 

I understand that he is going through something.  I will never intend to make it worse so I will probably never say the things on my mind.  I wish I had a back bone.  I feel like I wasted so much time and energy on him.  I have never tried so hard before nor have I fallen so hard at the end.  I have been damaged before but I was a complete wreck at the end of this... and I am still pretty messed up. 

I wish him all the worst in this life.  If he can't keep me around after 2 months then he isn't going to get ANY girl to stick around.  Good looks only take you so far, being nice can get you so far, but time, effort, and setting your priorities straight are the glue to get everything to stick.  I am the most laid back girl I know and I am very low maintenance.  I know no one who would have even stayed around as long as I did.  So good luck to you buddy!