Boo.... In a Bad Way

Sorry I haven't written much lately.
Most of it stems from the fact that everything that has been on my mind is either 1.) Nonexistent because my mind is under stimulated or 2.) Way too personal to post for the world to see.

A lot of the things that were previously on my mind are still there, just intensified.  Then you add senioritis and the lack of motivation... yeah I haven't been up to much lately.

I have spent way too much time by myself lately.  Weird thing is, I have been preferring it.  Quiet solitude to wallow in self pity.  Sounds wonderful doesn't it?

I'm just so sick and tired of putting effort into things and having it be a one way street.  My life has been an emotional rollercoaster of ups and downs.  The ups are mostly from things that I do to make myself feel better, something I work on for me.  Why can't someone put as much work into making me feel special as I do for them.  People may not see that I'm giving it an E for effort but I really do think about them a lot.  I am not sure people realize how much I lie down and watch them walk all over me.  Sometimes I wonder if that is my worst quality.

So as I am sitting here hoping that I can get some sleep soon.  I can't help but to have these many things flowing through my head. [[My financial status isn't helping either]]  So I'm feeling kind of depressed and stressed.  I need sleep because I have an exam in the morning which equals more stress.

I'm so sick of putting on a fake smile everyday and living my life with a mask on.  I wish someone made me happy.  Why is it my lot in life to be a people pleaser?  Why can't I turn it off and be selfish?  Actually I don't really need someone to make me feel happy, yes it would be nice.  In fact, I just need to get rid of the people that suck me dry and stomp all over me.  Maybe I should have left Stout to go to a different grad school and move on from the people here.  Unfortunately bottom feeders will always suck you dry and leave you with nothing but shit, and they are everywhere.  I wish that they came with bright lights and sirens, yet when I find them I keep going back for more.  I don't quit easily enough I guess.

With that I'm going to shut up now.  Night peeps.