I Walk in Circles but I'll Never Figure Out

I have been giving a lot of thought about trust lately.

When we are born we experience total trust.  As an infant we trust those around us to nurture us and keep us safe.  As we age we are taught that there are some weirdos out there that we shouldn't trust.  Through life experiences we learn that pedophiles aren't the only people that can hurt us.  Based on these experiences we allow a certain amount of trust with the people in our lives.  Some people are allowed more trust, some break down walls and reach a deeper sense of trust, others lose all your trust.

Now along with these theories of trust are questions of how much we actually trust people.

Recently coming out of another relationship... again... I think about the pain and confusion.  I guarded myself from these feelings but perhaps I gave a little more trust away than I thought.  I convince people that my feelings are superficial, I keep the relationship to myself, and I think if I don't let it infiltrate that part of my life that I will convince myself that it won't hurt.  I realize that it still hurts.  When it is all over you're left in the wake of a disaster... trying to put the pieces back together again.

When it's all over... was there another piece of trust that has been lost?

In the last few years several pieces of trust have been lost.  Sending the confusion of another failed relationship hurtling toward the worst.  Was I ignored because you found someone else?  Did you delete the Facebook photos of you because you like the girl you were photographed with?  When you say you never stopped liking me, are you feeding me lies?

What should I believe?  What should I trust?  Should I miss this person, or hate them?

I want to hate them, parts of me do.  Other parts of me know that there are two sides to every story.  In the past I have learned the truth of the other side of the story and I wished I had never known, never had the suspicions of cheating confirmed.  Do I want to know if he moved on?  Facebook never provided evidence that he and I were in a relationship and can just as easily never provide evidence of another woman.

Would he tell me his feelings for me have never changed when they have?  Would he think that would help me?  Make him feel better?  Am I over thinking this again?

How can things go from so good to non-existent so quickly?  Why does distance make people insane?  And how can good memories erase the bad ones, and vise-versa, so easily?

I don't understand what went so wrong.  I generally blame myself for everything, but this time I don't know what I did.  What do I need to fix?  All of a sudden he didn't want to talk, I was clear how it made me feel, yet he still didn't talk to me.  I stopped talking to him in hope that he would understand... but it was futile.

He mentioned the "If you love something set it free, and if it comes back it was meant to be" philosophy.  Does this apply when things end in confusion, anger, and sadness?  When there are questions if he stopped liking me or have moved on, how would this apply?

I have no more energy to hold these thoughts.  Sleep alludes me.  Answers bring hope and pain.... and are not generally found anyway.  That is all I have for now.

"I walk in circles but I'll never figure out
What I mean to you, do I belong
I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong
And I feel so helpless here
Watch my eyes are filled with fear
Tell me do you feel the same
Hold me in your arms again"
~ Ellie Goulding